Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i. e., tells the truth). As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a... Baseball.
b... Football.
c... How fat you are.
d... How much prettier she is than you.
e... How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a... Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b... Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c... That depends on what you mean by love.
d... Does it matter?
e... Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a... Compared to what?
b... I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c... A little extra weight looks good on you.
d... I've seen fatter.
e... Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a... Yes, but you have a better personality.
b... Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c... Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d... Define pretty.
e... Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).
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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Walmart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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Q: Why is the sky not happy on clear days?
A: It has the blues
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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