28 June 2010

What is a computer's first sign of old age? 
Loss of memory. 


What does a baby computer call his father? 
Data. 


What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? 
The space bar. 


What happened when the computer fell on the floor? 
It slipped a disk. 


Why was there a bug in the computer? 
It was looking for a byte to eat. 


What is a computer virus? 
A terminal illness. 


To err is human, but to really mess things up requires a computer. 


Computers are not intelligent. 
They only think they are. 


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 


My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI. 


The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.


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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. 
"Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." 
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." 
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

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Insurance Form Statements... 

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole. 

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. 

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. 

I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. 

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end. 

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

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Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness ""
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN 

Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. 

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN 

Show up naked. Bring food/beer.