2 June 2010

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. 
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. ""What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.


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Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. 
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. 
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief. 
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is."

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"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees..""But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

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A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, "I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your seat." The blonde replied, "Im blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." The attendant said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat." The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about the blonde. The captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move. He said, "I just told her that this part of the plane wasn't going to New York."

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Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? 
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you? 
Pull the pin and throw it back.

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A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS. Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees. Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it. About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line. "Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried. "Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil. "Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed! "I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil. "Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!! "And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil.