9 September 2010

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. 
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. 
The farmer answered: 
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. 
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."



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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. 
"Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist. "
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

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"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." 

--President Gerald Ford 

"My fellow astronauts..." 

--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. 

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. 

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President 

"I stand by all the misstatements."

--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes 

"Gerald Ford was a Communist"

--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington D. C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D. C. 

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."

--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 

"This is a great day for France!"

--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral 

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."

--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood 

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."

--James Baker, televangelist. 

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."

--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. 

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."

--U. S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. 

"What he does on his own time is up to him."

--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. 

"Facts are stupid things."

--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? " he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic. He also added: "It comes in such cute containers. "

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A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly? " "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. " the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."