7 September 2010

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!" He sticks out his hand... "Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."



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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping!"
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. 

"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." 

"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point,

when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old

Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS. "
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. "
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am? "
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you. "
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."