a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
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What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in an office:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign on music teachers' door:
"Out Chopin."
Sign at the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in beauty shop window:
"Dye now!"
Sign on a garbage truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
Sign at a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."
Sign on restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."
Sign in a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
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David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did? "
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One blond says to another, "how did you die?"
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One blond says to another, "how did you die?"
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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