31 August 2010

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out? " they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever? "St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven. "
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? "St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What's wrong? " exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on! " St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"



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Two Poles, Markowski and Krachevski go to France on a pleasure trip. They meet this Frenchman called Jean Paul and become good pals. Jean Paul finds these two Poles some-what amusing and so he goes all out to make them happy. He treats them at pubs, bars, discotheques. This goes on for a while until one fine day Jean Paul does not turn up. The Poles assume that some important work would have held him up and do not take a serious note of it. But, perhaps something was serious as Jean Paul does not turn up for next five days. At this the Poles get alarmed and go to the police station to lodge a report. The inspector asks them to give details of the person who's missing. The following conversation follows:
Markowski: Well, his name is Jean Paul.
Inspector: It's a very common name in France. Something more please.
Krachevski: Well, he is very tall.
Inspector: Most of the people in France are tall. Big deal.
Markowski: Well, he's got blue eyes.
Inspector: Oh! no. Something more substantial.
Krachevski: I got it. This is slightly uncommon. I'm sure now youshall be able to track him. You see, He's got two holes in his ass.
Inspector: (shocked): Well, well, that's curious. Are you sure?
Krachevski: Ya! Ya!
Inspector: Are you definitely sure that this very personal info you have is CORRECT?
Krachevski: Most certainly.
Inspector (still skeptical): But how're you so sure?
Krachevski: Simple. Whenever we used to go with him to the bar, everyone used to greet him as "Here comes Jean Paul with the two ass-holes!"

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Age FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

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A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

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One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss. The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other. "Who made that tackle? " asked the ant. "I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop? " "I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"