27 September 2010

NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Lard Ass, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP:
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.


LOOKS:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :))

*************************
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, ‘that's not so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, ‘New house, new madam, new girls.’
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ‘Hi Keith!’

*************************
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ‘Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?’
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ‘No, I won't sleep with you tonight!’
Everyone in the bar turn and stares at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, ‘I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.’
To which, he responds at the top of his lungs, ‘What do you mean, $200?’

*************************
Matthew, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year old blonde.
She knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm, and hung onto Matthew's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, ‘Matthew, how did you get such a beautiful girlfriend at your age?’
Matthew replied, ‘Girlfriend? She's my wife!’
They're even more amazed, and asked: ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Matthew replied.
‘Oh! So you told her you were only 50?’
Matthew smiled and said, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

*************************
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Lassie’.

I call mine ‘Sex’. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, ‘I would like to have one too!’
Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, ‘You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.’
He replied, ‘You must have been quite a strong boy.’

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, ‘You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.’
The clerk said, ‘Me too!’

One day I entered Sex in a contest.
But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
‘You don't understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’
He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’
The Judge said, ‘Me too!’

Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’

My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’
I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.’
And the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’

*************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

25 September 2010

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. 

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. 

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused. 

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. 

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap." 

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

24 September 2010

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago?
Pilot: Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.



*************************************************
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? "
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf! "

*************************************************

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench," he says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.
The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?"
"What?" She yells back.
"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.
"What?"
"MONKEY WRENCH!!?... MONKEY WRENCH!!?"
"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

*************************************************

How did the octopus lovers walk down the road?
Arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm.

*************************************************

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have -'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95...'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95...and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised. Simple... "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

23 September 2010

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

**************************
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

**************************
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in an office:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on music teachers' door:
"Out Chopin."

Sign at the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign in beauty shop window:
"Dye now!"

Sign on a garbage truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign at a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

Sign on restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

**************************

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. 

When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did? "

**************************
One blond says to another, "how did you die?" 

"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" 

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. 

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

22 September 2010

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, ‘Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?’

********************************
What happened to the glow worm who was squashed?
He was de-lighted!

********************************
Excuses when caught napping at work

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam! "...

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!
I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

********************************
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help. " So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, squeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars. "Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did ", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."

21 September 2010

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.

Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expektedto reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend.

By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.

Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitshis, after al, half a 'w'.

Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.

Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl.

After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

*************************************
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

*************************************
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!" The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

*************************************
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!'

*************************************
Sign of drinking problem... You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."

20 September 2010

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, 'Mike, you wait here, 
I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time'.
Pat enters the confessional and says,' Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman'.
The priest asks, 'was it Mrs Murphy'? 
'no, Father', was the reply.
'Was it Mrs O'Boyle'? 
Again the reply was 'No, Father'.
'Was it Mrs. O'Grady'? 
Pat said, 'Father, I'll not be teling you the lady's name!'
So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back on the street, Mike said, 'Well, how did you do'? Pat said, 
'Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects!'



*********************************
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant didn't answer. The Godfather asked again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was. The accountant signed back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signed to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signed back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather asked, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He said that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

*********************************

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. 

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday. 

With love,Mike

*********************************

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..' 

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. 

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 

How many men does it take to open a beer? 

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' 

Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' 

The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!' 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. 

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

*********************************

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. 

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. 

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. 

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. 

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. 

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. 

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. 

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. 

-- John Lyly

19 September 2010

A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat's tail.
'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull the cat's tail!'
'I'm not pulling!' replied the little boy. 
'I'm only holding on - the cat's pulling!'

****************************

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO..." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE..."

****************************

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

-David Bissonnette 

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. 

-Henry Youngman 

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. 

-Laurence J. Peter 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

-Unknown 

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 

-Lily Tomlin 

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. 

-John Barrymore 

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. 

-Robert Frost 

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. 

-Mistinguette 

Absence -- that common cure of love. 

-Miguel De Cervantes

****************************

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

****************************

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them. 

Patient: Oh, thank you very much. 

Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

18 September 2010

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


****************************
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer? " cried the duke. "I must find him! "After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into themiddle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree..and then I paint the target around it."

****************************

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not? "
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence. "
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

****************************

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. 

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" 

The coroner says, "No." 

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?" 

"No." 

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 

The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

****************************

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous. " Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

****************************

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Frame Maker and Interleaf are competing documentation products. When the spelling checker of Frame Maker 2.1 encounters the word Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does it offer as the correct spelling? "Frame Maker"!

****************************

An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" 

He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" 

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

****************************

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 10, 1993 FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed. Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

17 September 2010

A little boy went into a baker's  
'How much are those cakes?' he asked 
'Two for 25 cents,' said the baker 
'How much does one cost?' asked the boy 
'13 cents,' said the baker
'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents!' said the boy


*************************************
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. 
(Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America! ") 
The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter.
"He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

16 September 2010

Why are dolphins cleverer than humans? 
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish!



***************************************
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says... "Now she knows."

15 September 2010

Life before computers


An application was for employment 
A program was a TV show 
A cursor used profanity 
A keyboard was a piano! 
Memory was something that you lost with age 
A CD was a bank account! 
And if you had a broken disk,It would hurt when you found out! 
Compress was something you did to garbage,not something you did to a file 
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for awhile! 
Log on was adding wood to a fire 
Hard drive was a long trip on the road 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 
And a backup happened to your commode! 
Cut--you did with a pocket knife 
Paste you did with glue 
A web was a spider's home 
And a virus was the flu! 
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper 
And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, 
But when it happens they wish they were dead!


**********************************
Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates. Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?" 
Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. "So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" 
Bill shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"So are you and this girl engaged, yet?" 
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

13 September 2010

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined! "
"Did I say I was 64? "
"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong? "
"Damn straight you did! I'm 85! "
"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were25! How old was your father when he died? "
"Did I say he was dead? "
"You mean... "
"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong! "
"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live? "
"Did I say he was dead? "
"No! You can't mean... "
"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week! "
"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age! "
"Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?... "


**************************************************
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".

**************************************************

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

**************************************************

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. 

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:
"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

**************************************************

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this." The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."

12 September 2010

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

*******************************************

"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband. "Yes, several," the wife replied. "Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed." "I did!"

*******************************************

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

*******************************************

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

*******************************************

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

*******************************************

More gay banter... Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started discussing them. The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture. The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house. The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because,just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

11 September 2010

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? 
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

*******************************************

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."

*******************************************

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"
"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

*******************************************

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

*******************************************

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

*******************************************

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

*******************************************

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." 

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

10 September 2010

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand."

*******************************************

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?" The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

*******************************************

Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?
'Quick,' said one, 'run! Before they say we did it!'

9 September 2010

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. 
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. 
The farmer answered: 
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. 
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."



*******************************************
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. 
"Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist. "
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

*******************************************

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." 

--President Gerald Ford 

"My fellow astronauts..." 

--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. 

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. 

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President 

"I stand by all the misstatements."

--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes 

"Gerald Ford was a Communist"

--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. 

"Outside of the killings, Washington D. C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D. C. 

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."

--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 

"This is a great day for France!"

--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral 

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."

--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood 

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."

--James Baker, televangelist. 

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."

--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. 

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."

--U. S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. 

"What he does on his own time is up to him."

--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. 

"Facts are stupid things."

--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

*******************************************

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? " he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

*******************************************

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted:
1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic. He also added: "It comes in such cute containers. "

*******************************************

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?" "No," her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes," the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly? " "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. " the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."