"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?" "Yeah. But you started it."
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How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
*******************
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
*******************
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
*******************
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
*******************
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
*******************
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
*******************
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
*******************
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit. "The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to humanbeings."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
*******************
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes," the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
*******************
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
*******************
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
*******************
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes," the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
*******************
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
*******************
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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