Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
*************
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
*************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
*************
Wife: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife: What? At 2 a. m.?!
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
*************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
*************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
*************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
*************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
*************
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
*************
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
*************
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
*************
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
*************
Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
*************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
*************
New scientific theories 3rd Runner Up - Communist China is technologically under developed because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
*************
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
*************
Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
*************
Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
No comments:
Post a Comment