Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings ".
There is a very fine line between "hobby " and "mental illness ".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
*************
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
*************
The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order! Order!'
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and fries!'
*************
You know you are a teacher when...
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
*************
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
*************
The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order! Order!'
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and fries!'
*************
You know you are a teacher when...
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.
You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
*************
What does "WIFE " stand for? Washing Ironing Food Entertainment"
*************
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
*************
What does "WIFE " stand for? Washing Ironing Food Entertainment"
*************
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
No comments:
Post a Comment