Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #62

Train Train Drivers' Tannoy Messages Researched by Alan Turnham
While New York converted to unmanned trains in 1962, the London Underground has maintained its drivers. Some say that passenger's would not trust the driver-less trains, others say it is pressure from the unions.

Yet other cynics say that the trains are actually automatic, and the drivers are just there to re-assure the passengers. This theory is borne out by some of these tannoy messages allegedly spoken by London underground drivers.

1) What do the Drivers Know?

"We are now travelling through The Angel Islington station, as you can see The Angel Islington is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

This train will NOT be stopping at Moorgate station. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Moorgate"…………, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Moorgate, and of course I'm the last to know"

2) No Begging

"Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground. However, to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly..."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

3) Zany London Tube Drivers add Spice to the Journey

"We are taking the scenic route to Barking on the District Line. We will be stopping at all stations to Barking with the exception of Cannon Street. This train does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest."

"This is Paddington Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift."

"Hello this is the captain of your Uxbridge train speaking, and we will be departing shortly. Please note that we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Uxbridge is 11:15pm. The temperature in Uxbridge is a cool 10 degrees Celsius, and Uxbridge is in the same time zone as Aldgate, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

4) Drivers out of Control?

"To the gentleman wearing the pin-striped suit trying to get in to the third carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day!"

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

"Please let the passengers off the train"……… "Please let the passengers off the train first"………. "PLEASE let the passengers off the train first"…….. "let the passengers off the train FIRST!"…... "Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

Footnote:
The world's first ungrounded train opened on January 10th 1863. It was a Metropolitan line stretch between Paddington and Farrington.