** A Mother of a Small Boy says:**
The following article was written anonymously by a mother who lives in Austin, Texas, USA. It is about things that she has learned from being the mother of small boys.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound [3 stone] boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
17 December 2011
With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion. "Would you like to have a new mink coat? " Ron asks. "No, not really," Sylvia responds. "Well, how about a new Porsche? " asks Ron. "No, thanks," Sylvia replies. "What about a new vacation home in the country? " Ron suggests. "No," says Sylvia. "Well, what would you like for your anniversary? " Ron asks. "I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia. "Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.
*****************
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
*****************
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #181
** Nobel Prize **
Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?"
"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," the farmer replies.
"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled. "How?"
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
* Reginald's new diet
Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," his doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly impressed, "You certainly must have followed my instructions."
Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."
"Why, from hunger?" asked his doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?"
"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," the farmer replies.
"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled. "How?"
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
* Reginald's new diet
Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," his doctor assured him.
When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.
"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly impressed, "You certainly must have followed my instructions."
Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."
"Why, from hunger?" asked his doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
Monday, November 7, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #159
** How being a parent can change your life **
When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.
Your clothing:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.
Getting ready for the day of the birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.
3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.
Major concerns:
1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor you put it away until you can go home and disinfect it properly.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Buying a layette*:
1st baby: You wash the clothes before organising them into colour coordinated folded piles neatly laid out in the baby抯 specially bought chest of drawers.
2nd baby: You make sure that the clothes are clean and throw only the ones with the dirtiest marks on them.
3rd baby: You are heard to say that boys can wear pink, no problem.
Note* Layette means all the clothes you need for a baby. Vests, cardigan, babygro all-in-ones and even bonnets.
Nappies: [Diapers in the USA]
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if required.
3rd baby: You change their nappy when others start to complain about the smell or you see it hanging down low.
What activities do you do with your youngster?
1st baby: You take your child to the Clinic, the Gym, the swimming pool and the Library for story time.
2nd baby: You take your youngster to the Clinic.
3rd baby: You take your child to Asda/Walmart.
Baby sitters:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home 4 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
How you react when at home with the baby:
1st baby: You spend a great deal of time every day just gazing lovingly at your baby.
2nd baby: You spend some of everyday keeping an eye open to ensure that your eldest child isn't squeezing, poking or hurting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend some of every day hiding from the children.
When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.
Your clothing:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.
Getting ready for the day of the birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.
3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.
Major concerns:
1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor you put it away until you can go home and disinfect it properly.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Buying a layette*:
1st baby: You wash the clothes before organising them into colour coordinated folded piles neatly laid out in the baby抯 specially bought chest of drawers.
2nd baby: You make sure that the clothes are clean and throw only the ones with the dirtiest marks on them.
3rd baby: You are heard to say that boys can wear pink, no problem.
Note* Layette means all the clothes you need for a baby. Vests, cardigan, babygro all-in-ones and even bonnets.
Nappies: [Diapers in the USA]
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if required.
3rd baby: You change their nappy when others start to complain about the smell or you see it hanging down low.
What activities do you do with your youngster?
1st baby: You take your child to the Clinic, the Gym, the swimming pool and the Library for story time.
2nd baby: You take your youngster to the Clinic.
3rd baby: You take your child to Asda/Walmart.
Baby sitters:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home 4 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
How you react when at home with the baby:
1st baby: You spend a great deal of time every day just gazing lovingly at your baby.
2nd baby: You spend some of everyday keeping an eye open to ensure that your eldest child isn't squeezing, poking or hurting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend some of every day hiding from the children.
Friday, October 28, 2011
28 October 2011
A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma.
They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme.
One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited
'Through the desert
all night we ride on camels
walking two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.'
Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process.
One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said,
'Tim and I, a hunting went,
we came upon three women in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I buk one and Timbuktu!'
Thursday, October 27, 2011
27 October 2011
An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die. "That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place. "When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up " arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma. "
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #131
** Celtic Blessings **
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand
* Irish Drinking Toast
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
* Alternative Toast:
Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
* Irish Explanation
Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, "How can you come here," she said,
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always thought I was out enjoying meself."
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand
* Irish Drinking Toast
May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
* Alternative Toast:
Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!
* Irish Explanation
Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, "How can you come here," she said,
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always thought I was out enjoying meself."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #130
**Irish Jokes**
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
1) Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
2) How to Gain Admittance to the Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
3) Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."
4) Irish Doctors
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
1) Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
2) How to Gain Admittance to the Olympics
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
3) Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."
4) Irish Doctors
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.
2 October 2011
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #128
New Evening Classes for Men
All are welcome - Open to men only.
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
** More Funny Gender Differences **
To balance classes for men jokes, we have evening classes for women.
Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre
This humour based on male female differences is suitable for amending to suit your work or office. Training is a particularly fertile area for spoof courses. Meanwhile, sit back and have some fun.
Hilarious, Funny, Insulting and Male-Organised Courses for Women
Note: That due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.
Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm
Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? - Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.
Class 5: Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm
Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm
Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.
Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.
Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined
Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
All are welcome - Open to men only.
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
** More Funny Gender Differences **
To balance classes for men jokes, we have evening classes for women.
Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre
This humour based on male female differences is suitable for amending to suit your work or office. Training is a particularly fertile area for spoof courses. Meanwhile, sit back and have some fun.
Hilarious, Funny, Insulting and Male-Organised Courses for Women
Note: That due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.
Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm
Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? - Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.
Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.
Class 5: Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm
Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm
Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.
Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.
Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined
Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
1 October 2011
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steel makers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
29 September 2011
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older,You are just getting better. "When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom. "It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
*****************
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.-- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCBeginning in February 1976
your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator "
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe.-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
*****************
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'What did you do?'I committed adultery.'
Priest: 'How many times?'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
*****************
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died. "The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you. "The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
*****************
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.-- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCBeginning in February 1976
your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator "
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe.-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
*****************
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'What did you do?'I committed adultery.'
Priest: 'How many times?'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
*****************
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died. "The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you. "The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #125
Only in America - Allegedly true food story from the USA
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my chequebook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my chequebook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*
Sunday, September 25, 2011
25 September 2011
Now I understand what marketing is:
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed ".
That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed ".
That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed ".
That is Telemarketing.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?"
That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed ".
That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed ".
That is BRANDING!!"
*******************
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
*******************
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
Saturday, September 24, 2011
24 September 2011
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing. " To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager " and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives."
***********
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
***********
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI- System Can't See It
BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM- I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
11 September 2011
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said... "let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
Saturday, September 10, 2011
10 September 2011
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
****************
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!"
****************
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revision code', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
****************
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
****************
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
****************
If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally...
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally...
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
9 September 2011
Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
*******************
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!
So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!
*******************
There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!
*******************
*******************
Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
*******************
*******************
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
*******************
*******************
Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!
*******************
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!
*******************
Women's Snappy Comebacks:
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
*******************
One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip"
*******************
*******************
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller?
When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
7 September 2011
Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?
Girl: One - the dead one!
Girl: One - the dead one!
6 September 2011
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
****************
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door. The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?" The panda bear answers calmly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door. The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear. He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
****************
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door. The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?" The panda bear answers calmly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door. The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear. He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
5 September 2011
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
****************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
They're great with figures.
****************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
4 September 2011
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m. p.s. in.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's . A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
3 September 2011
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #101
* Out of the Mouths of Babes
Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence. The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.
* Funny comments made by children.
Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"
* Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
* The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
* Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Hey, Mum, look what I've found!" Bobby called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
* Home Alone
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
* Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"
Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence. The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.
* Funny comments made by children.
Cream loses its magic
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"
* Charity Begins at Church
After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
* The Chase
Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
* Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Hey, Mum, look what I've found!" Bobby called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
* Home Alone
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
* Road Hog
One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"
Friday, September 2, 2011
1 September 2011
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #99
* Murphy's Law - Always strikes on Friday
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.
I have traced 'Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.
As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.
1st Amendment
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
2nd Amendment
If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.
3rd Amendment
When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.
4th Amendment
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.
5th Amendment
When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.
Last Amendment
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.
* Examples of Murphy's Law
Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
The worst pupil in any class will be a school governors' son.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint.
You never have enough nails, screws or glue.
The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.
Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.
If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.
I have traced 'Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.
As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.
1st Amendment
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
2nd Amendment
If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.
3rd Amendment
When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.
4th Amendment
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.
5th Amendment
When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.
Last Amendment
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.
* Examples of Murphy's Law
Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.
The worst pupil in any class will be a school governors' son.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.
Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint.
You never have enough nails, screws or glue.
The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.
Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #95
* Real Notes Sent to Milkmen
These notes were left in milk bottles.
Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
More notes left in milk bottles
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
These notes were left in milk bottles.
Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
More notes left in milk bottles
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #88
1) English Words with Quirky Logic
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
French fries do not originate in France.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
Quicksand only works slowly
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
=========================================================
2) Strange Words
There is no parlour in in parlous. (Parlous - dangerous, hazardous)
Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
When you are incommunicado: you are without the means to communicate.
=========================================================
3) The Problem with Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
French fries do not originate in France.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
Quicksand only works slowly
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
=========================================================
2) Strange Words
There is no parlour in in parlous. (Parlous - dangerous, hazardous)
Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
When you are incommunicado: you are without the means to communicate.
=========================================================
3) The Problem with Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #86
The Eternal Question - Why?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don't we ever see this headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "Broker"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
=========================================================
** More Funny Thoughts To Conjure with **
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don't we ever see this headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "Broker"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
=========================================================
** More Funny Thoughts To Conjure with **
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #85
New Section:
Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
==========================================================
1) Frogs and Crocodile
Unlike reptiles, amphibians, such as frogs, always return to water to breed. (Think of frogspawn).
Did you know that a group of adult frogs is referred as an Army of frogs?
2) Poison Arrow Frogs
Fear of frogs is known as: Ranidaphobia. If you have ever thought about arrows poisoned with frog venom then it is understandable that you develop a mistrust of frogs.
While some frogs are deadly poisonous, scientists are investigating diluting their secretions and using them for medicinal purposes. One problem facing the scientists is that the frogs loose their poisons in captivity.
3) Noisy Frogs
A state of emergency has been declared on Big Island, Hawaii because of an infestation of noisy frogs. Originally from Puerto Rico the coqui frog arrived on the island hidden in tropical plants. The coqui frog is extremely noisy at night and literally makes a shrieking noise.
On their home island there are approximately 8,000 frogs per acre: however, on Big Island, this rises to some 80,000 per acre. Local residents say the frogs have no natural predators so they have raised $15,000 to fight the frogs with hydrated-lime spray.
Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
==========================================================
1) Frogs and Crocodile
Unlike reptiles, amphibians, such as frogs, always return to water to breed. (Think of frogspawn).
Did you know that a group of adult frogs is referred as an Army of frogs?
2) Poison Arrow Frogs
Fear of frogs is known as: Ranidaphobia. If you have ever thought about arrows poisoned with frog venom then it is understandable that you develop a mistrust of frogs.
While some frogs are deadly poisonous, scientists are investigating diluting their secretions and using them for medicinal purposes. One problem facing the scientists is that the frogs loose their poisons in captivity.
3) Noisy Frogs
A state of emergency has been declared on Big Island, Hawaii because of an infestation of noisy frogs. Originally from Puerto Rico the coqui frog arrived on the island hidden in tropical plants. The coqui frog is extremely noisy at night and literally makes a shrieking noise.
On their home island there are approximately 8,000 frogs per acre: however, on Big Island, this rises to some 80,000 per acre. Local residents say the frogs have no natural predators so they have raised $15,000 to fight the frogs with hydrated-lime spray.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #84
--- You know you're from Canada when .............
* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
* You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
=========================================================
** Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds **
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]
Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.
RmSv: Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??
RmSv: Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?
RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don't think so.
RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.
RmSv: Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No...just put the bodder on the side.
RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter... just put it on the side.
RmSv: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy...tea...meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?
Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.
Guest: You're very welcome.
* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
* You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
=========================================================
** Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds **
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]
Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.
RmSv: Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??
RmSv: Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?
RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don't think so.
RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.
RmSv: Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No...just put the bodder on the side.
RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter... just put it on the side.
RmSv: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy...tea...meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?
Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.
Guest: You're very welcome.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #83
Michael Attends Birth
The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of their children. One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers. Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation for time babies stay in the womb as there is for the weight of the newborn. Consequently, the father's room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time.
The scene is set. In the father's room are 8 expectant fathers, my friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but he has to wait. When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is in a distressed state. What had upset Janet was not the labour but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor's called in the wrong Michael. That Michael was not her husband.
Can you imagine their mutual horror? There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her husband. If anything it was even more traumatic for the 'wrong Michael'. Apparently the encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department. Sadly as a result, he missed the birth of his own baby.
When the dust had settled, Janet and baby were fine. The 'right Michael' was thrilled to be the proud father. However, he later confided in me, 'Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up of them teasing me about my name'. Mike Stand.
Off the record, one of the nurses said that the 'Wrong Michael' had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a 'Wrong Michael' to induce reluctant babies.
The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of their children. One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers. Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation for time babies stay in the womb as there is for the weight of the newborn. Consequently, the father's room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time.
The scene is set. In the father's room are 8 expectant fathers, my friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but he has to wait. When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is in a distressed state. What had upset Janet was not the labour but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor's called in the wrong Michael. That Michael was not her husband.
Can you imagine their mutual horror? There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her husband. If anything it was even more traumatic for the 'wrong Michael'. Apparently the encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department. Sadly as a result, he missed the birth of his own baby.
When the dust had settled, Janet and baby were fine. The 'right Michael' was thrilled to be the proud father. However, he later confided in me, 'Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up of them teasing me about my name'. Mike Stand.
Off the record, one of the nurses said that the 'Wrong Michael' had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a 'Wrong Michael' to induce reluctant babies.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #81
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which is well understood by comedians, hence our inclusion! The key point is that the final words make the reader see the first part of the sentence in a new light.
** Examples of Paraprosdokian
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==========================================================
Some readers did not find these funny, hence their relegation.
* Toy Test:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
* Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
* Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals [goats are excellent] and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
* Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
* Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
* Car Test:
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p piece. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
* Messiness Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
* Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a quantity of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pmGet up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful all the time.
* Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
** Examples of Paraprosdokian
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==========================================================
Some readers did not find these funny, hence their relegation.
* Toy Test:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
* Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
* Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals [goats are excellent] and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
* Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
* Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
* Car Test:
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p piece. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
* Messiness Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
* Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a quantity of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pmGet up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful all the time.
* Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #79
International Humour - Jewish Jokes
Firstly, let us say that we have created a joke section for many nationalities, including English (Will) and Welsh (Guy). Secondly, we hope that you will find the tone of these jokes funny rather than offensive.
1) A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?'
The man says, 'I make a good living.'
2) I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
3) I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
4)Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6) My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.
7) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8) The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
9) The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
10) Doctor: You'll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Firstly, let us say that we have created a joke section for many nationalities, including English (Will) and Welsh (Guy). Secondly, we hope that you will find the tone of these jokes funny rather than offensive.
1) A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?'
The man says, 'I make a good living.'
2) I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
3) I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
4)Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6) My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.
7) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8) The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
9) The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
10) Doctor: You'll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #78
A Sympathetic Look at "Senior Moments Humor"
Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.
Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior citizens - people aged sixty or over - it has now entered more general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.
The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren't built to cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the 21st century.
An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to as a senior moment.
Will's wife once put the roast beef in the top oven, of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of meat. Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!
------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Examples of Funny Senior Moments
Archie
Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house. It has two stories. It has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his breath. His main problem is that, when he is ready to start again, Archie is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.
Old Hat
A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950's declared: 'My grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him what he wants with a hat on if he's a nudist he hits out at me with his walking stick and hollers, "Because I'm bald" '
A Hand for the Bish
In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when a little girl offered a helping hand.
'That's very kind of you my dear,' he told her, 'But are you really strong enough?'
'Oh yes, the child retorted, 'I've often helped my daddy when he was much drunker than you.'
Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.
Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior citizens - people aged sixty or over - it has now entered more general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.
The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren't built to cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the 21st century.
An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to as a senior moment.
Will's wife once put the roast beef in the top oven, of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of meat. Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!
------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Examples of Funny Senior Moments
Archie
Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house. It has two stories. It has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his breath. His main problem is that, when he is ready to start again, Archie is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.
Old Hat
A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950's declared: 'My grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him what he wants with a hat on if he's a nudist he hits out at me with his walking stick and hollers, "Because I'm bald" '
A Hand for the Bish
In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when a little girl offered a helping hand.
'That's very kind of you my dear,' he told her, 'But are you really strong enough?'
'Oh yes, the child retorted, 'I've often helped my daddy when he was much drunker than you.'
8 August 2011
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
***********
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, "I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof."
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
***********
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
***********
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
***********
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."
***********
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, "I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof."
Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
"Now," said his father, "when I say, 'Jump,' I want you to jump off the roof."
"But, Dad," said the boy, "there's a huge drop!"
"Do you want to succeed in business?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And you trust me, don't you?"
"Yes, Dad."
"So do as I say and jump."
The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him.
"That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone."
***********
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
***********
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
7 August 2011
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
*************
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
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There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
*************
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
*************
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
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THANK YOU
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THANK YOU
Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting these are out of 40-gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease. I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonald's and KFC can sell their wares. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would get sick from the rat faces and urine. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me. I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #77
Warning - Women's Body Parts Move
Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg
This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.
You may have read of the the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true - it occurs to me practically every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
Yours alarmed
Peggy Legg
Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg
This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.
You may have read of the the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true - it occurs to me practically every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
Yours alarmed
Peggy Legg
Thursday, August 4, 2011
4 August 2011
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
*************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
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Wife: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
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Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
*************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
*************
New scientific theories 3rd Runner Up - Communist China is technologically under developed because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
*************
Why do men fart more than women?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
*************
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
*************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
*************
Wife: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife: What? At 2 a. m.?!
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
*************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
*************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
*************
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
*************
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
*************
Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
*************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
*************
New scientific theories 3rd Runner Up - Communist China is technologically under developed because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
*************
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
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Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
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