For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older,You are just getting better. "When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom. "It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
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PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.-- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCBeginning in February 1976
your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator "
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe.-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.
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A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'What did you do?'I committed adultery.'
Priest: 'How many times?'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
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A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died. "The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you. "The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
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