9 September 2011

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: 

What makes 100%? 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. 

How about achieving 103%? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

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There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet. 

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet. 

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book. 

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet. 

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

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Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

*******************

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

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Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!

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Women's Snappy Comebacks:

Man: Haven't we met before?

Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? 

Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. 

Man: Is this seat empty? 

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. 

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?  

Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? 

Man: Your place or mine? 

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. 

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number? 

Woman: It's in the phone book. 

Man: But I don't know your name. 

Woman: That's in the phone book too. 

Man: So what do you do for a living? 

Woman: I'm a female impersonator. 

Man: What sign were you born under? 

Woman: No Parking. 

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? 

Woman: Unfertilized! 

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks! 

Man: I know how to please a woman. 

Woman: Then please leave me alone. 

Man: I want to give myself to you.  

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. 

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. 

Man: Your body is like a temple. 

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 

Man: I'd go through anything for you. 

Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. 

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? 

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One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip"

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Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? 

When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"