25 August 2010

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. 
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" 
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. 
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" 
"Throw out another anchor, sir." 
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. 
"Throw out another anchor, sir." 
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" 
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. 

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" 

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. 

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father. "Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

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"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

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A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. 

"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." 

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." 

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey! " said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" 

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

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There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!! " Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here? " and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

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At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."