"Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow. "I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone." Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"
The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"
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A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
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A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit.
So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss.
The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.
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A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!"
"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."
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