24 August 2010

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

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An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny... " After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh ", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

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Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

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A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back. 

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. 

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" 

"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. 

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore? " asks the amazed Priest. 

"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN? " asks the now impatient Priest. 

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole. 

"The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"