One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up separate trees.
When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird.
Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises.
Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"
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Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing -- It's the only type of cooking a "real "" man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ""her night off. "" And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women."
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Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
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A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking. "Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions."
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by.
The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by.
The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly.
The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened. "Still no luck?" asked the store owner. "No. Nothing said yet," answered the bird's owner. "Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop." "What? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.
"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon.
The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned... this time with the parrot, only it was dead! "What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?" "Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"
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