29 August 2010

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

*************************************

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

*************************************

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

28 August 2010

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." 
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" 
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." 
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!? "

*************************************

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. 

\While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" 

The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." 

While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

*************************************

Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?
Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.

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No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

*************************************

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman. She has a parrot on her shoulder. 

Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have on my shoulder... I'll sleep with you." 

Guy says: "An alligator?" 

Woman says: "Close enough"

*************************************

A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she decided to find a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself. Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards. Out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. Her doctor walked into her room laughing his head off. He said,"You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain! So, how did you break YOUR leg??"

26 August 2010

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, 
"So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."

*************************************

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Mc Donald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50. " The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

*************************************

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. 

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" 

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun? "And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

*************************************

Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

*************************************

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

25 August 2010

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. 
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" 
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied. 
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" 
"Throw out another anchor, sir." 
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. 
"Throw out another anchor, sir." 
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" 
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

*************************************

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. 

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" 

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. 

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father. "Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

*************************************

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth."
"Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!"
"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

*************************************

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. 

"This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." 

The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." 

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey! " said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" 

"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."

*************************************

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!! " Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here? " and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

*************************************

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

24 August 2010

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

*************************************

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny... " After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh ", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

*************************************

Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly?
Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

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A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back. 

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest. 

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" 

"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. 

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore? " asks the amazed Priest. 

"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN? " asks the now impatient Priest. 

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole. 

"The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"

23 August 2010

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over. "Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"



*************************************
A wealthy man sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" the man asked incredulously.
"I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."

*************************************

There were two blonds on their way to Disney World. When they were getting close there was a sign that read, "DISNEY WORLD LEFT". So they turned around and went home.

*************************************

Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.

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50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess. "
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library... for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive " while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
31. Cry.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong? " tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking? "
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
49. Cry.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry.

*************************************

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil! "
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil? "
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

*************************************

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following
Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny? "
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?' "

22 August 2010

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

20 August 2010

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100chickens. "The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died. " The neighbor said, "Oh,I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more. "Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100chickens died too. " Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them? "Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough. "

*******************************

A redneck calles up the White House and tells the receptionist:"I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" 

Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

19 August 2010

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more.... " 
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now. "


*******************************

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose. Her four year old son quickly responded with, "So you can still breath when you pick your nose!"

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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he!" And the waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!"

*******************************

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party? "
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

*******************************

Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

18 August 2010

A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes," said the widow. "I don't understand," says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?"


"Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow. "I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone." Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!" 


The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"


*******************************
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

*******************************

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. 

So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. 

The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

*******************************

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries - "DOC, DOC... I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs!!!" 

"Well of course you can't silly!", replies the Doc... "I've cut off both of your arms."

16 August 2010

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. 


One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" 


For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. 

No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."



*******************************
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde all escape from a prison together. They run into the nearby woods and all climb up separate trees. 


When the police find the redheads tree and ask who is up there, the redhead chirps like a bird. 


Then the police go to the brunette's tree. When they ask who is up there, the brunette makes chipmunk noises. 


Finally, when the police go to the blonde's tree and ask who is up there, the blonde goes,"MOOOOOOOOOO!"

*******************************

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing -- It's the only type of cooking a "real "" man will do. 

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. 

(1) The woman goes to the store. 

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. 

(4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ""her night off. "" And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women."

*******************************

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

*******************************

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking. "Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." 

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. 

The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. 

The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. 

The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened. "Still no luck?" asked the store owner. "No. Nothing said yet," answered the bird's owner. "Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop." "What? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot. 

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. 

The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned... this time with the parrot, only it was dead! "What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?" "Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"

15 August 2010

Teacher : Billy, please don't whistle while studying.
Billy : Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!

14 August 2010

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions.
"Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!"
The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant!
A few months later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men killed in battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because heaven is well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.' 
Responds the private: "Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys," he thumbs behind him. "got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed to make it to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled the pin and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade back onto my belt."



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An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, " 'Romance' by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " 'Chanel No. 5', $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says... "Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!"

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Military wisdom

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

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One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

13 August 2010

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs 30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."


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Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay," and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

12 August 2010

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."



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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

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A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun. "Can I help you sir?" asked the shopkeeper. "Ah, yes... I want to buy a.44 Magnum please. The shopkeeper informs the man that the.44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what he's going to use it for. The man replies, "I want to shoot cans!" "What? Cans! You don't need a.44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do," advised the shopkeeper. The customer has enough and finally says, "Shut up and give me the dang.44 Mag... I want to shoot Ameri Cans, Mexi Cans, and Afri Cans!"

11 August 2010

Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.


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A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act. He would fill a large bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience. One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks. "Go ahead," said the stage manager. "Eat the shit, eat the shit!"
"I just can't do it," said the magician. "There's a hair in it!"

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Are you in the top half of your class?
No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!

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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. 

Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. 

(P)=PROBLEM 

(S)=SOLUTION 

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement 

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire 

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough 

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft 

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid 

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage 

(P) Something loose in cockpit 

(S) Something tightened in cockpit 

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear 

(S) Evidence removed 

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud 

(S) Volume set to more believable level 

(P) Dead bugs on windshield 

(S) Live bugs on order 

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent 

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground 

(P) IFF inoperative 

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) 

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick 

(S) That's what they're there for 

(P) Number three engine missing 

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search 

(P) Aircraft handles funny 

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious! 

(P) Target Radar hums 

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

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Women love to talk on the phone. 

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. 

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). 

PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. 

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. 

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. 

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. 

All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it. 

Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. 

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' 

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. 

All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. 

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). 

Women never check to see if the lid is up. 

They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. 

This will get men arrested. 

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. 

You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? 

Men can never catch women checking out other men, women will always catch men checking out other women.

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The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. 

"Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you." 

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs." 

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

10 August 2010

THE FACTS OF LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 
Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 
Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. 
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.