* Real Notes Sent to Milkmen
These notes were left in milk bottles.
Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
More notes left in milk bottles
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle ?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #88
1) English Words with Quirky Logic
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
French fries do not originate in France.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
Quicksand only works slowly
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
=========================================================
2) Strange Words
There is no parlour in in parlous. (Parlous - dangerous, hazardous)
Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
When you are incommunicado: you are without the means to communicate.
=========================================================
3) The Problem with Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
French fries do not originate in France.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
Quicksand only works slowly
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
=========================================================
2) Strange Words
There is no parlour in in parlous. (Parlous - dangerous, hazardous)
Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
When you are incommunicado: you are without the means to communicate.
=========================================================
3) The Problem with Speaking English
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #86
The Eternal Question - Why?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don't we ever see this headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "Broker"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
=========================================================
** More Funny Thoughts To Conjure with **
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why don't we ever see this headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "Broker"?
Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
=========================================================
** More Funny Thoughts To Conjure with **
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called 'Poles', why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts, 'and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #85
New Section:
Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
==========================================================
1) Frogs and Crocodile
Unlike reptiles, amphibians, such as frogs, always return to water to breed. (Think of frogspawn).
Did you know that a group of adult frogs is referred as an Army of frogs?
2) Poison Arrow Frogs
Fear of frogs is known as: Ranidaphobia. If you have ever thought about arrows poisoned with frog venom then it is understandable that you develop a mistrust of frogs.
While some frogs are deadly poisonous, scientists are investigating diluting their secretions and using them for medicinal purposes. One problem facing the scientists is that the frogs loose their poisons in captivity.
3) Noisy Frogs
A state of emergency has been declared on Big Island, Hawaii because of an infestation of noisy frogs. Originally from Puerto Rico the coqui frog arrived on the island hidden in tropical plants. The coqui frog is extremely noisy at night and literally makes a shrieking noise.
On their home island there are approximately 8,000 frogs per acre: however, on Big Island, this rises to some 80,000 per acre. Local residents say the frogs have no natural predators so they have raised $15,000 to fight the frogs with hydrated-lime spray.
Men Are Just Happier People - Sickening eh!
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
==========================================================
1) Frogs and Crocodile
Unlike reptiles, amphibians, such as frogs, always return to water to breed. (Think of frogspawn).
Did you know that a group of adult frogs is referred as an Army of frogs?
2) Poison Arrow Frogs
Fear of frogs is known as: Ranidaphobia. If you have ever thought about arrows poisoned with frog venom then it is understandable that you develop a mistrust of frogs.
While some frogs are deadly poisonous, scientists are investigating diluting their secretions and using them for medicinal purposes. One problem facing the scientists is that the frogs loose their poisons in captivity.
3) Noisy Frogs
A state of emergency has been declared on Big Island, Hawaii because of an infestation of noisy frogs. Originally from Puerto Rico the coqui frog arrived on the island hidden in tropical plants. The coqui frog is extremely noisy at night and literally makes a shrieking noise.
On their home island there are approximately 8,000 frogs per acre: however, on Big Island, this rises to some 80,000 per acre. Local residents say the frogs have no natural predators so they have raised $15,000 to fight the frogs with hydrated-lime spray.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #84
--- You know you're from Canada when .............
* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
* You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
=========================================================
** Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds **
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]
Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.
RmSv: Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??
RmSv: Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?
RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don't think so.
RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.
RmSv: Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No...just put the bodder on the side.
RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter... just put it on the side.
RmSv: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy...tea...meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?
Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.
Guest: You're very welcome.
* You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
* Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
* You choose a Halloween costume which fits over a snowsuit.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 3 pages for hockey.
* You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Sorels.
* You perk up when you hear theme from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
=========================================================
** Room Service - Tenjewberrymuds **
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.]
Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service.
RmSv: Rye...Roon sirbees...morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??
RmSv: Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.
RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?
RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don't think so.
RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means.
RmSv: Toes! toes!... Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No...just put the bodder on the side.
RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter... just put it on the side.
RmSv: Copy?
Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy...tea...meel?
Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?
Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.
Guest: You're very welcome.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #83
Michael Attends Birth
The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of their children. One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers. Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation for time babies stay in the womb as there is for the weight of the newborn. Consequently, the father's room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time.
The scene is set. In the father's room are 8 expectant fathers, my friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but he has to wait. When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is in a distressed state. What had upset Janet was not the labour but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor's called in the wrong Michael. That Michael was not her husband.
Can you imagine their mutual horror? There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her husband. If anything it was even more traumatic for the 'wrong Michael'. Apparently the encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department. Sadly as a result, he missed the birth of his own baby.
When the dust had settled, Janet and baby were fine. The 'right Michael' was thrilled to be the proud father. However, he later confided in me, 'Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up of them teasing me about my name'. Mike Stand.
Off the record, one of the nurses said that the 'Wrong Michael' had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a 'Wrong Michael' to induce reluctant babies.
The modern trend is for fathers to attend the birth of their children. One busy hospital in central England has a special room for expectant fathers. Whilst the average gestation period for human babies is 9 months, there is almost as much variation for time babies stay in the womb as there is for the weight of the newborn. Consequently, the father's room can get quite crowded with a mixture of fathers attending premature births, and those whose babies stubbornly refuse to enter this world on time.
The scene is set. In the father's room are 8 expectant fathers, my friend is called Michael, he sees one or two fathers called in, but he has to wait. When eventually Michael is called in to see his wife Janet, she is in a distressed state. What had upset Janet was not the labour but the fact that 10 minutes previously, the Doctor's called in the wrong Michael. That Michael was not her husband.
Can you imagine their mutual horror? There is Janet in the birthing position, being confronted by a man who is not her husband. If anything it was even more traumatic for the 'wrong Michael'. Apparently the encounter affected him so badly that he fainted and had to be taken on a trolley to the accident and emergency department. Sadly as a result, he missed the birth of his own baby.
When the dust had settled, Janet and baby were fine. The 'right Michael' was thrilled to be the proud father. However, he later confided in me, 'Guy, at work, now they have something else to snigger about, I am fed up of them teasing me about my name'. Mike Stand.
Off the record, one of the nurses said that the 'Wrong Michael' had been a great help in distracting Janet and that they were considering employing a 'Wrong Michael' to induce reluctant babies.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #81
Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech, which is well understood by comedians, hence our inclusion! The key point is that the final words make the reader see the first part of the sentence in a new light.
** Examples of Paraprosdokian
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==========================================================
Some readers did not find these funny, hence their relegation.
* Toy Test:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
* Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
* Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals [goats are excellent] and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
* Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
* Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
* Car Test:
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p piece. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
* Messiness Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
* Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a quantity of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pmGet up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful all the time.
* Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
** Examples of Paraprosdokian
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way; so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot; he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it's still on the list.
* Light travels faster than sound; this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
==========================================================
Some readers did not find these funny, hence their relegation.
* Toy Test:
Obtain large box of tin tacks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
* Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
* Supermarket Test:
Borrow one or two small animals [goats are excellent] and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
* Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
* Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug, half fill with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
* Car Test:
Forget the BMW and buy an estate car. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a 10p piece. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
* Messiness Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
* Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with a quantity of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pmGet up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful all the time.
* Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #79
International Humour - Jewish Jokes
Firstly, let us say that we have created a joke section for many nationalities, including English (Will) and Welsh (Guy). Secondly, we hope that you will find the tone of these jokes funny rather than offensive.
1) A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?'
The man says, 'I make a good living.'
2) I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
3) I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
4)Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6) My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.
7) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8) The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
9) The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
10) Doctor: You'll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Firstly, let us say that we have created a joke section for many nationalities, including English (Will) and Welsh (Guy). Secondly, we hope that you will find the tone of these jokes funny rather than offensive.
1) A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?'
The man says, 'I make a good living.'
2) I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
3) I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
4)Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6) My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the loo and cried.
7) She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
8) The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
9) The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.
Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!'
10) Doctor: You'll live to be 60.
Patient: I AM 60.
Doctor: See! What did I tell you?
Monday, August 8, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #78
A Sympathetic Look at "Senior Moments Humor"
Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.
Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior citizens - people aged sixty or over - it has now entered more general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.
The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren't built to cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the 21st century.
An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to as a senior moment.
Will's wife once put the roast beef in the top oven, of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of meat. Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!
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Will and Guy's Examples of Funny Senior Moments
Archie
Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house. It has two stories. It has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his breath. His main problem is that, when he is ready to start again, Archie is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.
Old Hat
A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950's declared: 'My grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him what he wants with a hat on if he's a nudist he hits out at me with his walking stick and hollers, "Because I'm bald" '
A Hand for the Bish
In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when a little girl offered a helping hand.
'That's very kind of you my dear,' he told her, 'But are you really strong enough?'
'Oh yes, the child retorted, 'I've often helped my daddy when he was much drunker than you.'
Will and Guy have learned that the expression senior moment was apparently coined in America in the mid-nineties, but has become more widely used in the UK during the past couple of years.
Originating with specific reference to seniors or senior citizens - people aged sixty or over - it has now entered more general use and can be applied in any situation where someone experiences a momentary lapse of memory, regardless of their age.
The term highlights the idea that our brains simply weren't built to cope with the information overload and stress generated by life in the 21st century.
An absent-minded activity, like putting your furniture polish in the fridge or your prepared casserole in the cupboard, can also be referred to as a senior moment.
Will's wife once put the roast beef in the top oven, of a two oven cooker, set the timer for the bottom oven and went out shopping expecting, on her return, a cooked joint of meat. Baked beans on toast were the order of that day!
------------------------------------------------------
Will and Guy's Examples of Funny Senior Moments
Archie
Archie, aged 88, has a problem with his house. It has two stories. It has stairs. When he use the stairs, Archie stops midway to catch his breath. His main problem is that, when he is ready to start again, Archie is unable to remember whether he was going upstairs or downstairs.
Old Hat
A letter to a national UK newspaper in the 1950's declared: 'My grandfather, who is 87, has been converted to nudism. He sits all day long in the greenhouse without a stitch on except for his hat. When I asked him what he wants with a hat on if he's a nudist he hits out at me with his walking stick and hollers, "Because I'm bald" '
A Hand for the Bish
In his later life, a former Bishop of Lincoln, UK, found himself having difficulty rising from a park bench where he had stopped to take the weight off his feet. After struggling ineffectively, he was delighted when a little girl offered a helping hand.
'That's very kind of you my dear,' he told her, 'But are you really strong enough?'
'Oh yes, the child retorted, 'I've often helped my daddy when he was much drunker than you.'
8 August 2011
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
***********
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, "I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof."
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
***********
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
***********
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
***********
Two friends who lived in the town were chatting. "I've just bought a pig," said the first.
"But where will you keep it?" said the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!"
"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied his friend.
"But what about the smell?"
"He'll soon get used to that."
***********
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, "I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof."
Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof.
"Now," said his father, "when I say, 'Jump,' I want you to jump off the roof."
"But, Dad," said the boy, "there's a huge drop!"
"Do you want to succeed in business?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And you trust me, don't you?"
"Yes, Dad."
"So do as I say and jump."
The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him.
"That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone."
***********
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
***********
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
7 August 2011
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
*************
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
*************
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
*************
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'
*************
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
*************
THANK YOU
*************
THANK YOU
Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting these are out of 40-gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease. I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonald's and KFC can sell their wares. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would get sick from the rat faces and urine. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me. I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #77
Warning - Women's Body Parts Move
Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg
This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.
You may have read of the the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true - it occurs to me practically every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
Yours alarmed
Peggy Legg
Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg
This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches of their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.
You may have read of the the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true - it occurs to me practically every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.
I know it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.
Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.
One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap , unnoticed, something like maturity.
NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement part, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs...and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
Yours alarmed
Peggy Legg
Thursday, August 4, 2011
4 August 2011
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
*************
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
*************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
*************
Wife: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
*************
*************
Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
*************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
*************
New scientific theories 3rd Runner Up - Communist China is technologically under developed because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
*************
Why do men fart more than women?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
*************
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
*************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!
*************
Wife: What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband: Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife: What? At 2 a. m.?!
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
*************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
*************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Husband: Yes, We used night clubs.
*************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
*************
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"
*************
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
*************
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
*************
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."
*************
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
*************
Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens?
Little Johnny: He gets stepped on.
*************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
Millionaire: A Billionaire!
*************
New scientific theories 3rd Runner Up - Communist China is technologically under developed because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
*************
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
*************
Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
*************
Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?
Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters
2 August 2011
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'
**************
In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"
In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!" At this, the big guy drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!"
1 August 2011
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
30 July 2011
Once a Sardarji (a caste man in India ) goes to visit a temple on a top of Mt. Abu, where the roads are like a zig-zag.
At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells Sardarji that it will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt.
Abu as there will be no space at the top to turn around up there.
So, as per the guidelines given by the man, The Sardarji, goes to the top of Mt. Abu in reverse.
After sometime the Sardarji comes down of the hill in reverse..
When the man sees him, he asks the Sardarji why he came down the hill in a reverse gear.
The Sardarji replies that he got some space at the top of the hill so he reversed his car.
***************
Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
Pupil : It's stolen!
***************
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
At the starting point towards the Temple, a man tells Sardarji that it will be better to take his car in reverse to the top of Mt.
Abu as there will be no space at the top to turn around up there.
So, as per the guidelines given by the man, The Sardarji, goes to the top of Mt. Abu in reverse.
After sometime the Sardarji comes down of the hill in reverse..
When the man sees him, he asks the Sardarji why he came down the hill in a reverse gear.
The Sardarji replies that he got some space at the top of the hill so he reversed his car.
***************
Teacher : What's happens to gold when it is exposed to the air?
Pupil : It's stolen!
***************
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #69
*The Logic of Marriage - A Child's View
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'
His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'
So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'
'Who?' splutters his Dad.
'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.
'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'
'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'
=============================================================
*How To Make A Marriage Successful
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'
His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'
So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'
'Who?' splutters his Dad.
'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.
'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'
'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'
=============================================================
*How To Make A Marriage Successful
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'
28 July 2011
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. "Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?" "Yeah. But you started it."
*******************
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
*******************
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
*******************
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
*******************
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
*******************
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
*******************
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
*******************
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?!" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
*******************
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
A: The vulture eventually lets go.
Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit. "The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to humanbeings."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
*******************
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes," the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
*******************
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
*******************
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
*******************
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes," the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
*******************
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma," exclaimed Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
*******************
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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