Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #172

1) Burglars lock owner in coffin
A report from ALMATY in Kazakhstan (Reuters) - Burglars locked the funeral parlour employee in a coffin and kept him there unconscious while searching for cash and valuables in the shop.

Serik Sarsenbayev said he was my himself late at night when two masked burglars burst into the funeral parlour and beat him until he fainted.

The thieves then stuffed him into a wooden coffin and nailed it closed. What they were after was his money safe. The unusual robbery happened in the steppe town of Temirtau near Almaty in Kazakhstan central Asia.

Serik was only freed when the driver of the parlour's hearse came into work.

The thieves made away with $23,000 (13,000 pounds) and have not yet been caught.

2) Dead Church
A new pastor in Topeka, Kansas, USA, spent the first four days making personal visits to each of his prospective congregation inviting them to come to his inaugural services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral".

In front of the pulpit they saw a closed coffin which was covered in flowers. After the priest had delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church", all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

3) Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary
Please join Will and Guy in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 73. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Obituary kindly sent in by Johnny.