22 October 2010

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening. When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over to his place. They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds to smash into parked cars as he's parking his. As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you like my feminine side?"



**************
A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out. The genie says, "For releasing me I shall grant you one wish!" The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want you to build a bridge to Hawaii. I'm scared of flying and tend to get seasick." The genie replies, "My good lad, do you realize how much it will take to do that? First of all, it will cost millions just to hire the workers. Not to mention all the materials it will take. In addition, there would need to be countless rest stops and gas stations and it would interfere with shipping lanes. I'm sorry, but it just can't be done. Please choose another wish!" The man thinks for a minute, and says, "I want to be able to understand women." The genie pauses for a moment and says, "So, this bridge you want...two lanes or four?"

**************

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

**************

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".