Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #223, #225, #227, #231, #232

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #223

Out of the Mouths of Babes
1) Out of the mouths.............
I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."

2) At School
Mother: 'Why are you home from school so early?' Son: 'I was the only one who could answer a question.'
Mother: 'Oh, really? What was the question?'
Son: 'Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?'

3) Going straight?
Jasper Barnett, a young lad from St. Alban's, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word 'straight.' Jasper did so without error.
'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jasper, what does it mean?'
'Without water in it!' responded Jasper immediately.

4) Newspaper Boy:
A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, 'Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated.'
Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, 'Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?' The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, 'Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated.'

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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #225

1) Who Was She Expecting?
An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some crumpets in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the crumpets when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard.
A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.

2) Toothless wonder
A man in Brevard County, Florida, has reported to the authorities that someone reached into his mouth and removed his gold teeth as he slept.
Detectives said they had responded to a reported theft at a home in Florida on Sunday. The report, by the Sheriff's office, said Bryan Osteen had spoken to officers and told them that someone had entered his bedroom and taken the teeth, worth $80 USD [£43] out of his mouth. Osteen said that he is a heavy sleeper and did not wake up during the incident. He added that he had friends at his home and believes one of them might have had something to do with the crime.

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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #227

Irish Drinking Jokes
1) Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."

2) Irish Doctors
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.

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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #231

Laughable Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents
1) I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.

2) It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.

3) On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.

4) The beach was too sandy.

5) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

6) We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

7) No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

8) It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

9) The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?

10) We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.

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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #232

Wedding Jokes - Tasters
1) With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
2) Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
3) Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
4) Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous
1) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
2) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
3) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
4) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
5) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
6) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
7) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
8) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)
9) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
10) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

More clean one liners for your wedding speech
1) At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
2) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
3) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
4) When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
5) Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
6) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
7) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
8) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
9) My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
10) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
11) A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
12) How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
13) A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
14) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

11 December 2010

One Polish surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go? "
"Appendectomy? " shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy! "

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

10 December 2010

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials "
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

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The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

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IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK. You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... You get three meals a day.
AT WORK. You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK. You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK. You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK. You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... You get your own toilet.
AT WORK. You have to share.

IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK. You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK. You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK. You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK. They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON... You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK. You get fired if you get caught.

9 December 2010

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties:
Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active.
Often unstable.
Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage:
Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

5 December 2010

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

29 November 2010

If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

25 November 2010

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

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The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily. "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

24 November 2010

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

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Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
"Let me look. " said the other one. So she handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror then turned to the first one. "You dumb ass -- that's ME!"

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Creative way to say someone stupid

A few crumbs short of a crouton. 

A few clowns short of a circus. 

A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

A few beers short of a six-pack. 

A few peas short of a casserole. 

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

One taco short of a combination plate. 

A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

All foam, no beer. 

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

As smart as bait. 

Chimney's clogged. 

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

Forgot to pay her brain bill. 

Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

If she had another brain, it would be lonely. 

Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 

Has the intelligence of a Carrot.

23 November 2010

Q: Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

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A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation."

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A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about?"

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What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.

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Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this."

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"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income." his wife told her best friend. "How do you two manage? And you even have kids!"
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money."
"Really? How can that be?"
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!"

22 November 2010

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

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LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

21 November 2010

How to write a paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to Mc Donalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to your favorite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to your other favorite cd.
11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. 

NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench- coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.

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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones? " he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

20 November 2010

A little boy came running into the kitchen. "Dad, dad," he said, "there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face."
"Tell him you've already got one," said his father."

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The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's still hope:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key " to "Press Return Key " because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any " key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send " key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid ". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command " and "invalid " responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer. " The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see " the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse!
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch? "
12. True story from a Novell Net Wire Sys Op: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support? " Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you? " Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? " Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? " Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. " Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? " Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it. " At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in... " The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first."

19 November 2010

IDIOT SIGHTINGS... 

Sighting #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." 

Idiot Sighting #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!

"Idiot Sighting #3:

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing", our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. 

Idiot Sighting #4:

I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. 

Idiot Sighting #5:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open! " "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side... "

18 November 2010

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

***********************
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, The French captured an English major.
Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.
The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at? "
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants."

***********************
Why is 6 scared of 7?
Because 7 ate nine! (7, 8, 9)

17 November 2010

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

***********************
This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard.... Violators will be toad!

16 November 2010

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

15 November 2010

Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.

Other funnies...
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well night. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

***********************
If God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

14 November 2010

"Dad, do you believe in Buddha?" "Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good."

***********************
A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: "Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping!"

***********************
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

***********************
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat. "What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

***********************

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."

***********************
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

12 November 2010

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm? At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human being.

***********************
The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation. "You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?" The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, "If you only knew... My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair. My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident." Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits. The lawyer nodded and said, "Exactly... Why should I give to the Red Cross when I don't even give to my own family!"

***********************
Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.

11 November 2010

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph... "I've got the airbag!"



**********************************
A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and the man says to his wife: "And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!"

**********************************

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk. Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

**********************************

What insect lives on nothing?
A moth, because it eats holes.

10 November 2010

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."



**********************
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

**********************

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

9 November 2010

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you? 
Your calves!

8 November 2010

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".
"Yes," she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?" inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done." was her reply.
"Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath.
"Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy," she replied. "I just call them by their last name."

********************
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

********************
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done." said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done ", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

********************

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun. " The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

********************

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

7 November 2010

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill -"So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans... I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!"



***********************
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket.
Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out... there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.


***********************
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on a bike. The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the side of the road. He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?" The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of the car a mile back. "The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going deaf!"

***********************

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said,
"About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

6 November 2010

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant in her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!"



***************************
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country.
"There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!"
"Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!"
"Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"

***************************

A man is in a hospital bed completely wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said,"Don't move -- I'll be right back. "When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"
"I hiccuped."

***************************

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

***************************

What do you call a man who opens the car door for you?
A chauffeur.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #202

** Medical Jokes that made Will and Guy Laugh **

1) Doctor:
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

2) Anaesthetist :
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he抯 feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery".

"What did he say?" asks the nurse.

"OOPS!"

3) Visit to the dentist:
The Marshes were shown into the dentist's surgery, where Mr. Marsh makes it absolutely clear that he is in a big hurry.

"No expensive extras, Doctor," Marsh demands, "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as strong minded and as brave as you, Mr Marsh," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Marsh turns to his wife.

"Show him your tooth, honey."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #201

Ten Unusual Baggage Left Behind On London's Public Transport System

1. Samurai sword
2. Prosthetic arm
3. A coffin
4. A stuffed fox
5. A puffer fish
6. A lawnmower
7. a park bench
8. 2nd world war gas masks
9. A home vasectomy kit
10.A pair of breast implants

==============================================================

Classic, Funny, English Jokes [From two Englishmen!]

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50? Colonel, sir.

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.
'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.

3 November 2010

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

*********************
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.

*********************
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding! "The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say? "The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

*********************

Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.

Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.

Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.

Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!

Q. How's your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I've had bitter jobs.

Q. How's your job at the pie company?
A. It didn't pan out.

Q. How's your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can't keep up with inflation.

Q. How's your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I'm making a fortune.

Q. How's your job at the history book company?
A. There's no future in it.

Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. I'm having second thoughts about it.

Q. How's your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.

Q. How's your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.

Q. How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.

2 November 2010

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replies! "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked. "Oh, Jonah... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied. "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked. "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady. "What if he isn't in heaven? " the man asked sarcastically. "Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady.



****************************
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one." The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"

1 November 2010

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."

**********************
Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English ".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

**********************
We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this. What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."
1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further ". He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more ". I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk. and topping the list....
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

**********************
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

**********************
The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

31 October 2010

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

30 October 2010

How are men and parking spots alike? 
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.



*************************
Our teacher talks to herself does yours?
Yes, but she does't realize it, she thinks we're actually listening!

*************************

Children's Letters to God

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma 

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane 

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan 

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil 

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane 

Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you "? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla 

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce 

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. 

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce 

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny 

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry 

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam 

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M. 

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan 

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. 

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris 

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

*************************

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:

1) The water-proof towel 

2) Solar powered flashlight 

3) Submarine screen door 

4) A book on how to read 

5) Inflatable dart board 

6) A dictionary index 

7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 

8) Powdered water 

9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 

10) Water-proof tea bag

29 October 2010

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."



*********************************
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat. " Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique " so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection ".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece? "
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget. Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!"

*********************************

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

*********************************

A man sitting in a barber's chair noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty.

When he commented on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a shampoo yet. "

29 October 2010

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."



*********************************
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat. " Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique " so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection ".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece? "
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget. Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!"

*********************************

Mike and Pat went hunting. Mike saw a large goose fly by. He raised his rifle to shoot.
'Don't waste your time,' Pat hollered. 'The rifle is not loaded.'
'I can't wait,' Mike shouted back. 'The bird will be gone if I take the time to load!'

*********************************

A man sitting in a barber's chair noticed that the barber's hands were very dirty.

When he commented on this, the barber explained, "Yes, sir, no one's been in for a shampoo yet. "