11 November 2010

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph... "I've got the airbag!"



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A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and the man says to his wife: "And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!"

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away." The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer. The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy. The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes. Five years later, the Germans come to release their prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out rather drunk. Finally, they release the Polak, who comes out and says, "Has anyone got a light?"

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What insect lives on nothing?
A moth, because it eats holes.