29 April 2011

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager... "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

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30 things people actually said in court 

Question 1
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year. 

Question 2

Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. 

Question 3

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? 

Question 4
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years 

Question 5
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you? 

A: My name is Susan. 

Question 6
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. 

Question 7
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Question 8
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. 

Question 9
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo. 

Question 10
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at? 

Question 11
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

Question 12
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he? 

Question 13
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

Question 14
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 

Question 15
Q: Did he kill you? 

Question 16
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? 

Question 17
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? 

Question 18
Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 

Question 19
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time? 

Question 20
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls? 

Question 21
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 

Question 22
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife? 

Question 23
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 

Question 24
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

Question 25
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female? 

Question 26
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 

Question 27
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral 

Question 28
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 

Question 29
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

Question 30
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.