The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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Doesn't it annoy you When...
...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you
....someone says, "well, to make a long story short " and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes
....a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!! " and then tells you to try some
....you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around
....you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out
....a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth
....your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading
....there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING
....the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries
....someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card
....the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on
....you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything
*****************
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids " instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s " in it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids " instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s " in it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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