29 April 2011

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager... "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

*****************
30 things people actually said in court 

Question 1
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year. 

Question 2

Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. 

Question 3

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? 

Question 4
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years 

Question 5
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you? 

A: My name is Susan. 

Question 6
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. 

Question 7
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Question 8
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. 

Question 9
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo. 

Question 10
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at? 

Question 11
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

Question 12
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he? 

Question 13
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 

Question 14
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 

Question 15
Q: Did he kill you? 

Question 16
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? 

Question 17
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? 

Question 18
Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 

Question 19
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time? 

Question 20
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls? 

Question 21
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 

Question 22
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife? 

Question 23
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 

Question 24
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

Question 25
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female? 

Question 26
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 

Question 27
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral 

Question 28
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 

Question 29
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

Question 30
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

27 April 2011

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

*****************
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

*****************
Doesn't it annoy you When...

...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you
....someone says, "well, to make a long story short " and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes
....a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!! " and then tells you to try some
....you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around
....you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out
....a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth
....your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading
....there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING
....the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries
....someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card
....the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on
....you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything

*****************
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids " instead of "assteroids"?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey's and apes?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a "s " in it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #351

** Prison Life in Norway

BASTOY PRISON, Norway (Reuters) - The Web site reads like an advertisement for a holiday home.

'Is Bastoy the place for you?' it asks next to photographs of a sunset sparkling off the tranquil waters of the Oslo fjord and horses pulling sleighs over packed snow.

This wooded island could be -- if you are a rapist, a murderer, a drug trafficker or have accepted a large bribe.

'We try to take a cross-section of the country's prison population, not just the nice criminals, 'said Oyvind Alnaes, governor of the minimum security prison on Bastoy Island about 75 km (46 miles) south of the Norwegian capital.

Inmates have included Norway's most notorious serial killer, Arnfinn Nesset, convicted of murdering 22 elderly people when he was manager of a nursing home in the 1970s. He was freed for good behaviour after serving two-thirds of a 21-year sentence.

'A lot of people in Norway say that we treat them (the prisoners) too well because they should be punished. But this is the biggest mistake we have been making since the 1600s. Taking this line makes people bad, 'Alnaes said.

'You have to believe people are born good.'
The 2.6 square km (1.0 sq mile) Bastoy island offers its 115 ' residents' cross-country skiing, tennis and horse-riding, but before the inmates can slope off to practise their serve or head to the beach for a swim, there is work to do on the farm.
'We want to become the first ecological prison in the world, 'Alnaes said.' It's about giving the inmates responsibility (and) trust, and teaching them respect.'

Alnaes, who wears jeans and t-shirts to work and is known to the inmates as Oyvind, says this model of open prison is the future. In 1997, he gave Bastoy Prison a new slogan: 'An arena of the development of responsibility' .

ESCAPE

Looking after the island's environment, he says, will nurture this sense of responsibility in the prisoners.
'Ecological thinking is about taking responsibility for nature, the future and how your grandchildren grow up, 'he said.
Only a handful of cars are used by prison staff on the island and along with the ferry, their engines will be converted to biofuel. The prison's six horses do most of the work, pulling carts driven by the prisoners, waste from the prison is used to generate power while oil heaters are being converted to wood.

The governor's development of responsibility goes further.
'The usual thing is that prisons are all about security, 'he said.' On the island, inmates work with knives and saws and axes. They need to do the work. And if an inmates increases his responsibility, you have to give him trust.'

Norway has one of the lowest incarceration rates in the world but the justice system does receive some criticism, notably for lengthy pre-trial detentions and cramped holding cells at police stations.

Rather than watching and guarding, the 69 prison employees at Bastoy work alongside the inmates until it is time to go home and from 3 p.m. every day only five remain on the island.
The onus is on the prisoners not to escape
There have been few attempts, when friends have come over in a boat during the night to pick up a prisoner, but Alnaes says making a break for it is not a smart move.

'The prisoners understand that there is nowhere to go if they do escape. What is the alternative? Spend your life on the run or serve your time at Bastoy? And one attempted escape means you lose your right to stay here.'

Prisoners have to apply for a place at Bastoy and applicants are vetted to filter out those who could cause the most trouble.
'That is the only place you can watch cable T.V. (in prison), 'a short grey-haired man said, pointing to a stone building that houses the prison library.

BEACH LIFE

He watched as a dark-haired youth walked down a path towards one of the prisoners' brightly painted wooden houses.' He killed somebody, that guy. Not sure who, or why, though.'
The speaker was Haavald Schjerven, a former U.N. department chief convicted in 2002 of taking $550,000 (315,000 pounds) in bribes.
'It's OK here, 'he said.' It gives you time to think and reflect and, of course, I enjoy the horse-riding.'

Schjerven showed Reuters around the wood-panelled house he shares with seven other criminals, pointing out the floor heating in the shared bathroom.

Norway releases prisoners early if they serve their sentences without trouble, and for the last part of their internment, they are allowed weekend breaks with friends and family.
Schjerven had just returned from a trip to Oslo where he discussed a business plan with a friend.

'It's much calmer here, we have a great sea view and it's only 150 metres to the beach.'

One of the island's beaches is open to the public and is crowded in the summer with day-trippers. It is the only part of the island the prisoners are banned from.
There is no fence to keep curious visitors out but signs warn people against wandering around the island -- nonetheless day-trippers entering the prison are a bigger problem than inmates escaping, governor Alnaes said.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #349

** Lawnmower Jokes **

1) 'My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.'

2) Kev and Bill were talking one day. 'My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer's,' said Kevin.
'So were you able to find some?" enquired Bill.

'Well when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'' Kevin continued, 'The shopkeeper told me, 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.''

3) One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.

'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other
poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #344

** Toilet Humour **

* Toilet Security

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

Joey Bishop

* Quotes from the Newspapers

1) Visitors to Longforth Road public toilets might be interested to know they are now being powered by wind. (Wellington Weekly News)

2) June 10-16: Open Bowels Tournament Teignmouth.
(Events Leaflet for South Devon)

3) If Tesco, BHS, ASDA and others can supervise toilets effectively, it's time our council got to the bottom of the matter. (Wrexham Leader)

* A Priest Runs out of Petrol

After a Sunday service, the priest ran out of petrol on his way home. Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away. Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers. The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol. After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot. Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said: 'Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine' but I think you're pushing your luck with that chamber pot'.

19 April 2011

To whom do fish go to borrow money? 
The loan shark!

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #342

** Nasty case of Arthritis **

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'

'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'

* Ask the Police

Roger, the local police/school liaison officer was in Green Barn Primary School, Sherborne, Dorset, UK, on an official visit when Mary, age 6, approached him.

'Are you a policeman?' Mary asked.
'Yes,' answered Roger smiling.

'My mum said if I was ever in trouble then I ought to ask a policeman for help. Is that true?'
'Of course,' uttered Roger.

'Then will you please tie my shoelace?' said Mary.

17 April 2011

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon?" "Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #341

** Do (No) Gooders **

Patricia began her job in a secondary school as a counsellor and she was keen to help the pupils.

One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of football [soccer] at the other end of the field.

Patricia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was.

Some time later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself. Going up to her again, 'Trish enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?'
The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.'

Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?'

'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!'

* Seat in Stand?

Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season' . Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

15 April 2011

What do lawyers do after they die?
They lie still.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #340

Charity begins at home?

A large, well built man visited the vicarage and asked to see the vicar's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the vicar's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord.'

***************
What religion are you?

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Denis sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, Denis replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.'

14 April 2011

An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."

**********************
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I can't imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

Flight attendant: "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

**********************
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? They taste funny.

**********************
A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it. "Hi honey," said the woman on the other end. "Hi honey," replied the man. "I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?"

The man thought about it for a sec and said, "You're sure it's a good deal?" "Oh yes," replied the woman. "Okay then, I guess you can get it," replied the man.

The woman continued,"Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?"

The man thought a little harder and said,"If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar."

The woman continued again. "Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price.

It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?"

The man got a frown on his face and said,"See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it."

The woman was extremely excited. "Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!" "Bye," said the man.

He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

**********************
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot." Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you." The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

13 April 2011

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said,"No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No,officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein,were you gambling? "Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

**********************
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER ", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO "."

**********************
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #338

* Most Wanted

Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'

Little Ronnie asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

* Maths Lesson

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn't paying attention in class. She called on her and said, 'Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

Daphne quickly replied, 'ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!'

* A selection of funny football quotes for UK readers.

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' Alan Shearer

'You've got to believe that you' re going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we' re knocked out.' Peter Shilton

' I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.' Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.' Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' Stuart Pearce

'The Brazilians were South American, the Ukrainians will be more European.' Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' Mitchell Thomas

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.' Alan Shearer

'I' d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.' Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' Thierry Henry.

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' Les Ferdinand.

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' Richard Rufus.

'There's no in between - you' re either good or bad. We were in between.' Gary Lineker.

'If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you lose.' Wayne Bridge.

10 April 2011

Yogi Berra Quotes:

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. 

Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical. 

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them. 

No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded. 

We made too many wrong mistakes. 

You can observe a lot by just watching. 

I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.

9 April 2011

Wife: Who was that on the phone?
Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.
Wife: What did he say?
Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...

******************
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #335

'Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.' Andy Rooney

**********

* Computer Tech Support Calls *

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********
Tech Support: 'Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

**********
* Assorted Computer Jokes

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A 1000 lb know-it-all.

**********
# Small Print. Do not read. This product will not work with any of these systems:

Windows Server 2003, Windows 2000; Windows 95; Windows 98; Windows ME; Windows XP, Vista, Windows 7.

6 April 2011

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys "Yours is."

**********************
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. 

Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1: "Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy" 

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2: "Dear God, I have been an "OK " boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Leroy " 

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3: God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy" 

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner ", Leroy's mother told him. 

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4: "God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike! Signed, YOU KNOW WHO"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #331

How to start the day and feel really good:

* Open a new file on your computer.
* Entitle it "Housework."
* Place it in the Recycle Bin.
* Empty the Recycle Bin.
* Your computer will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

Answer "Yes" and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better.

* Whose side are you on?

A British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London, when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ.

A sign beside the chap read, 'Victim of the Falklands War. '
'I say how disgraceful, eh? 'said the colonel, 'the way the country treats its veterans. 'So saying, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the ex-soldier's hat.

The veteran looked up and said, 'Muchas gracias, senor.'

4 April 2011

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

3 April 2011

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!" 

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you." 

"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"

2 April 2011

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

***********************
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy " yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #329

** Safety at the Workplace **

Will and Guy's Selection of funny health and safety tales.

1) A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

2) Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. 'Does anyone know,' I asked a few guys, 'what the speed limit is in our parking lot?'

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. 'That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?'

3) Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief - Franz Kafka

4) What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? - A whine cellar

5) Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.

Luckily for the first worker he wasn't getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn't get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.

6) A police 'safety officer' was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.

A young girl's hand shot into the air. 'Because you might leave fingerprints,' she answered.

7) A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.

The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator's finger.

For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #328

* Resusci Annie

Before retiring from teaching Will qualified as a first aider in order to instruct CPR [Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation] to Year 10 students, with the help of Surrey Ambulance Service, as part of the PHSE syllabus.

Classes always used the mannequin known to all as "Resusci Annie". The particular model used by Will's students was legless in order to store it in a carrying case.

Youngsters used to practise on Annie in groups in preparation for their examinations.

Philip, following Will's teaching knelt beside Resusci Anne and shook her asking, "Are you alright?". He then put his ear over the mouth to see if the dummy was breathing, all correct procedure.

Philip then turned to Will and said with a straight face, "Sir, she says she can't feel her legs."

* Fishing Trip

Michael and Peter went on a fishing trip. They hired all the equipment: the reels, the rods, bait, wading boots, rowing boat, the car and even a log cabin in the woods. No expense was spared for their yearly expedition.

On the first day they went fishing they didn't catch a thing. The same thing happened on the second day, and on the third day. It continued like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Michael caught a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. Peter turns to his friend, Michael, and says, "Do you realise that this one pathetic fish we have caught cost us £900?"

Michael replies with a jaundiced smile, " Crikey, it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"