Out of the Mouths of Babes
1) Out of the mouths.............
I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."
2) At School
Mother: 'Why are you home from school so early?' Son: 'I was the only one who could answer a question.'
Mother: 'Oh, really? What was the question?'
Son: 'Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?'
3) Going straight?
Jasper Barnett, a young lad from St. Alban's, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word 'straight.' Jasper did so without error.
'Well done!' smiled the teacher, 'Now, Jasper, what does it mean?'
'Without water in it!' responded Jasper immediately.
4) Newspaper Boy:
A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, 'Read all about it. Twenty five people cheated. Twenty five people cheated.'
Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, 'Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?' The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, 'Read all about it. Twenty six people cheated.'
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Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #225
1) Who Was She Expecting?
An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some crumpets in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the crumpets when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard.
A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
2) Toothless wonder
A man in Brevard County, Florida, has reported to the authorities that someone reached into his mouth and removed his gold teeth as he slept.
Detectives said they had responded to a reported theft at a home in Florida on Sunday. The report, by the Sheriff's office, said Bryan Osteen had spoken to officers and told them that someone had entered his bedroom and taken the teeth, worth $80 USD [£43] out of his mouth. Osteen said that he is a heavy sleeper and did not wake up during the incident. He added that he had friends at his home and believes one of them might have had something to do with the crime.
***********************Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #227
1) Who Was She Expecting?
An unidentified English woman, according to the Sunday Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had left some crumpets in the oven.
Naked, she dashed downstairs and was removing the crumpets when she heard a noise at the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard.
A few moments later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard. It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter.
"Oh," stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man blinked, excused himself and departed.
2) Toothless wonder
A man in Brevard County, Florida, has reported to the authorities that someone reached into his mouth and removed his gold teeth as he slept.
Detectives said they had responded to a reported theft at a home in Florida on Sunday. The report, by the Sheriff's office, said Bryan Osteen had spoken to officers and told them that someone had entered his bedroom and taken the teeth, worth $80 USD [£43] out of his mouth. Osteen said that he is a heavy sleeper and did not wake up during the incident. He added that he had friends at his home and believes one of them might have had something to do with the crime.
***********************Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #227
Irish Drinking Jokes
1) Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."
2) Irish Doctors
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.
***********************1) Judgement
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."
2) Irish Doctors
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #231
Laughable Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents
1) I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
2) It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.
3) On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
4) The beach was too sandy.
5) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
6) We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
7) No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
8) It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.
9) The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
10) We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
***********************Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #232
Wedding Jokes - Tasters
1) With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
2) Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
3) Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
4) Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous
1) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
2) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
3) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
4) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
5) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
6) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
7) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
8) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)
9) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
10) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
More clean one liners for your wedding speech
1) At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
2) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
3) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
4) When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
5) Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
6) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
7) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
8) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
9) My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
10) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
11) A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
12) How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
13) A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
14) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Laughable Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents
1) I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
2) It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during "siesta" time - this should be banned.
3) On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all.
4) The beach was too sandy.
5) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
6) We bought "Ray-Ban" sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.
7) No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
8) It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.
9) The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
10) We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
***********************Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #232
Wedding Jokes - Tasters
1) With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
2) Ronnie Corbett: Do think marriage is a lottery?
Ronnie Barker: No. With a lottery you do have a slight chance.
3) Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
4) Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous
1) The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
2) I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
3) Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
4) My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
5) My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
6) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
7) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
8) I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." (Henny Youngman)
9) Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
10) The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)
More clean one liners for your wedding speech
1) At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
2) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
3) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
4) When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
5) Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
6) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
7) I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
8) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
9) My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
10) A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
11) A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
12) How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
13) A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
14) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
