31 March 2011

Politicians accident A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

***************
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy? "The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

***************
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand. 

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? 

A. From chasing parked ambulances. 

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? 

A. In the cemetery. 

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? 

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. 

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? 

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

30 March 2011

Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a round of golf?
A: It's still your turn!

*************
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness? " and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

29 March 2011

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor, "Give me one with everything." So the vendor makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk. The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vendor takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door. The Buddhist says, "Wait, where's my change?" The vendor replies, "Change must come from within."

*****************
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention...."

28 March 2011

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts." He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

***********************
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

***********************
15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:
1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p. m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed " accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p. m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water. " One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

27 March 2011

How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.

******************
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight? " The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room. "A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

******************
Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don't worry, it's my first extraction too.

26 March 2011

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: 

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: 

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: 

When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: 

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: 

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: 

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: 

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: 

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: 

"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: 

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: 

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: 

"He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: 

"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: 

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G. M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: 

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: 

"It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: 

"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: 

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: 

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)


********************
These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England. 

Sign in a Laundromat 

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

Sign in a London department store: 

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS 

In an office: 

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN 

Outside a farm: 

HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF 

In an office: 

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

On a church door: 

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) 

Outside a secondhand shop: 

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: 

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

********************
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

25 March 2011

Q: What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
A: She had to break a window to get out!

******************
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here? " he asked. "I am. " said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like? " The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one. " "No, no, no, get the brown one. " the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #323

** Ghost Jokes **

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetite

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Ice scream

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?
When you're a mouse

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Lazy bones

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centres

Why don't skeletons like parties?
No body to dance with

What was the favourite game at the ghosts' birthday party?
Hide and shriek

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray

What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
'Cos everyone was a goblin

Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count duckula

What's a monster's favourite play?
Romeo and ghouliet

Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough

23 March 2011

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. 

MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P. M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. 

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P. M. " 

WEDNESDAY Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P. M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." 

THURSDAY Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!"

********************************
Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!

Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
A: With it's sparrowchute!

Q: What is green and pecks on trees?
A: Woody Wood Pickle!

Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?
A: He didn't give a hoot!

Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A: A Macaw!

Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A: A mynah bird!

Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A great walkie-talkie!

22 March 2011

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

20 March 2011

Things that can and do bother the "normal " person. 

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
The same person that gives you a "blank stare " when you look at them.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
Especially since you don't even have a dog!
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope... OUCH!
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling... DOUBLE OUCH!
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #314

** Gaffes **

* Famous People's Funny Gaffes

1) So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? Christina Aguilera

2) Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf: Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh in 1999, to young deaf people in Cardiff, referring to a school's steel band.

3) If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it: Prince Philip at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting.

4) My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never, surrender to what is right: Dan Quayle [former Vice President USA]

5) Do not needlessly endanger your lives until I give you the signal: General Eisenhower Allied Commander Europe in 2nd World War

6) If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive: Samuel Goldwyn

* Sporting Gaffes

1) I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. Stuart Pearce [former England soccer player]

2) Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot: Ray Wilkins [former England soccer player] speaking on BBC1 TV.

3) For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip: John Motson - BBC TV football commentator.

4) Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer: David Acfield [former cricketer and TV commentator].

14 March 2011

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

10 March 2011

A New York retail clerk was suffering from aching feet. "It's all those years of standing," his doctor declared. "You need a vacation. Go to Miami, soak your feet in the ocean and you'll feel better."

When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.

"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard.

"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face.

The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself."

The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #303

** Good Jokes Based on Clever Use of Language

1) A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

4) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

5) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #301

* A Good Joke about a husband.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

* Classic short joke

Where's the English Channel?
I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.

* Windy?

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

* One-liners - Deliberately Chosen to Give Variety and Surprise

1) Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

2) In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer "make ends meet."

3) I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

4) Include your children when baking your cookies. (Newspaper leader)

28 February 2011

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #298

Today something a little different. We bet that at least one of these saying will strike a chord. We that at least other will keep ricochetting around brain.

Never judge a book by its movie.
- JW Eagan

"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it."
- Cullen Hightower

"A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell."
- George Bernard Shaw

"If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day."
- John A. Wheeler

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson

I never know how much of what I say is true.
- Bette Midler

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called Suffering From a Mental Illness.
- Heather Armstrong

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy."
- Ernest Benn

"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known."
- Thomas Pickering

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
- Andy Rooney

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
- Alfred Hitchcock

"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
- Tallulah Bankhead

"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
- HL Mencken

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."
- Joey Bishop

"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
- Will Rogers

"I hate music, especially when it's played."
- Jimmy Durante

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
- Isaac Asimov

"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad."
- Salvador Dali

"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?"

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
- Hunter S. Thompson

23 February 2011

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

***************
Mortal: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Mortal: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #295

** Funny Tax Jokes **

1) The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

2) A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.

3) The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes

* Letter Taken from the Guardian

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin” or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

21 February 2011

If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress?

18 February 2011

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,"
Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

14 February 2011

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:

"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: 

"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck 

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

12 February 2011

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

11 February 2011

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife"

10 February 2011

Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." "And if you were a lady," replied Roger, "you'd stand up and let four people sit down."

9 February 2011

Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"

*********************
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
3. Employ the vernacular.
4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
7. Contractions aren't necessary.
8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
9. One should never generalize.
10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. "
11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
13. Be more or less specific.
14. Understatement is always best.
15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
22. Don't never use a double negation.
23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #284

** What to do about Cars Speeding in Villages? **

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. - No discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans and lorries crawl thought the village.

8 February 2011

A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. 
"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. 
"we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune." 
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. 
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender. 
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. 
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

2 February 2011

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,Maria

*********************
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

29 January 2011

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificen twhite horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control." George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."