Friday, October 28, 2011

28 October 2011

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. 

They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. 

One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 

'Through the desert 
all night we ride on camels 
walking two by two, 
Destination Timbuktu.' 

Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. 

One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said, 

'Tim and I, a hunting went, 
we came upon three women in a tent. 
Since they were three and we were two, 
I buk one and Timbuktu!'

Thursday, October 27, 2011

27 October 2011

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die. "That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place. "When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up " arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma. "

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #131

** Celtic Blessings **

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

* Irish Drinking Toast

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

* Alternative Toast:

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!

* Irish Explanation

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, "How can you come here," she said,
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always thought I was out enjoying meself."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #130

**Irish Jokes**

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

1) Big Rock

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

2) How to Gain Admittance to the Olympics

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

3) Judgement

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of twenty euros costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?".
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub."

4) Irish Doctors

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, O'Flaherty. I think it must be drink."
"Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O'Flaherty.

2 October 2011

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #128

New Evening Classes for Men

All are welcome - Open to men only.
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:

Week One of Evening Classes for Men

1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

5) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


Week Two - Evening Classes for Men

7) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation

9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques

13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

** More Funny Gender Differences **

To balance classes for men jokes, we have evening classes for women.

Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre
This humour based on male female differences is suitable for amending to suit your work or office. Training is a particularly fertile area for spoof courses. Meanwhile, sit back and have some fun.

Hilarious, Funny, Insulting and Male-Organised Courses for Women
Note: That due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? - Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase - Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.
Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

1 October 2011

What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
- Old investors never die, they just roll over.
- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
- Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steel makers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

29 September 2011

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:"You are not getting older,You are just getting better. "When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom. "It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

*****************
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.-- Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DCBeginning in February 1976

your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator "

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe.-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

*****************
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'What did you do?'I committed adultery.'
Priest: 'How many times?'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's , put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

*****************
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died. "The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you. "The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #125

Only in America - Allegedly true food story from the USA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my chequebook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*