27 July 2011

Some lessons learned in life:

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings ". 

There is a very fine line between "hobby " and "mental illness ". 

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life. 

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 

Never lick a steak knife. 

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

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A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'." "But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer. "Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

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The head Counselor gathered all the campers together. To get their attention, the Counselor called out, 'Order! Order!'
In a flash someone shouted out, 'Hamburger, coke and fries!'

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You know you are a teacher when...

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce. 

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card. 

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick. 

When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour. 

When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group. 

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. 

You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce. 

You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it. 

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

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What does "WIFE " stand for? Washing Ironing Food Entertainment"

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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

26 July 2011

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #63

Will and Guy's Humour - Friday the 13th Superstitions

Most cultures have superstitions centred on the number thirteen. Let us start with a Greek word, which will impress your friends: Paraskevidekatriaphobia, meaning an irrational, even morbid, fear of Friday the 13th.

The Greeks also have word for fears associated with number 13 Triskaidekaphobia [triss-ka-deck-ah-phobia]. Interestingly, the Greeks traditional rivals the Turks have virtually removed 13 from their vocabulary.

I have a challenge for you. The next time visit one of those tall office blocks, see if they have a 13th Floor. In fact anytime you hail a lift, see if it has a button for the 13th Floor.

One superstition is that if 13 people sit down to dinner together, all will die within the year. One form of this legend dates back to the Norse god of mischief - Loki. The saga tells of Loki gate-crashing a party bringing the number of guests to 13. To cut a long saga short, Balder the good was killed. For this reason Norwegians believe that 13 at a dinner party is bad luck.

Beware naming your children with 13 letters in their name, they may be cursed for example, Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson.

Warning: count your women because there are 13 witches in a coven.

How many loaves are there in a 'Baker's Dozen'? It is superstition that prevents this number be mentioned by name, in fact the extra loaf, presumably the runt of the litter, was baked as a special bribe for the devil not to spoil the batch of loaves.
[Will likes this one because of his surname - Baker].

Sportsmen are notoriously superstitious and many teams avoid using number 13 in their squads. Dan Marino broke most of the quarterback's records, he fearlessly wore number 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. However, some say his number was his undoing and is responsible for his epithet, 'The greatest quarterback never to win a Super Bowl'. Fate played it's part in Super Bowl XIX, where Dan Marino (13) was beaten by his nemesis Joe Montana who preferred number 16 on his back
[Guy likes this one because of his love of American Football].

In the Bible, Luke's Gospel Chapter 22, tells us that there were 13 present at the Last Supper. There is evidence that this Last Supper was held on a Friday, and of course this is when Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus Christ to the Romans.

Some people are so afraid that they refuse to get out of bed, or go to work on Friday 13th. A study in the BMJ [British Medical Journal] in 1993 looked into the relationship between driving and road accidents in the UK on two separate Fridays: the 6th and the 13th. This study was carried out over a period of years. They eventually concluded that, "Friday 13th is unlucky for some. The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52 percent. Staying at home is recommended."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #62

Train Train Drivers' Tannoy Messages Researched by Alan Turnham
While New York converted to unmanned trains in 1962, the London Underground has maintained its drivers. Some say that passenger's would not trust the driver-less trains, others say it is pressure from the unions.

Yet other cynics say that the trains are actually automatic, and the drivers are just there to re-assure the passengers. This theory is borne out by some of these tannoy messages allegedly spoken by London underground drivers.

1) What do the Drivers Know?

"We are now travelling through The Angel Islington station, as you can see The Angel Islington is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

This train will NOT be stopping at Moorgate station. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Moorgate"…………, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Moorgate, and of course I'm the last to know"

2) No Begging

"Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground. However, to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly..."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

3) Zany London Tube Drivers add Spice to the Journey

"We are taking the scenic route to Barking on the District Line. We will be stopping at all stations to Barking with the exception of Cannon Street. This train does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest."

"This is Paddington Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift."

"Hello this is the captain of your Uxbridge train speaking, and we will be departing shortly. Please note that we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Uxbridge is 11:15pm. The temperature in Uxbridge is a cool 10 degrees Celsius, and Uxbridge is in the same time zone as Aldgate, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

4) Drivers out of Control?

"To the gentleman wearing the pin-striped suit trying to get in to the third carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day!"

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

"Please let the passengers off the train"……… "Please let the passengers off the train first"………. "PLEASE let the passengers off the train first"…….. "let the passengers off the train FIRST!"…... "Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."

Footnote:
The world's first ungrounded train opened on January 10th 1863. It was a Metropolitan line stretch between Paddington and Farrington.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #60

Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

6 July 2011

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call. Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer." When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #45

Mother-in-law Jokes

* My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.

* Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

* What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

* I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

* Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'
Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

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* Will and Guy's Favourite Mother-in-law Joke

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.
It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.

The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'

'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'

'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

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* Short Mother in law Jokes

1) Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?

2) Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door.

3) Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'
Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'
Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'

4) Final Complaint
Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.

Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
Phil: We haven't had any yet.

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #44

Pay Rise

One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, "I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me."

"Really?" replied Martin's boss, "And who might these companies be?"

"Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom," answered Martin.

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* School Fee Rise

An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster decided that the simplest way was to implement an across the board 7% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when the secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word of the letter, consequently, it read thus:

Dear Parent

Due to increased building costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Williams (Headmaster)

About a week later, one concerned parent replied saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.