Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
***************
A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!" "Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #12
* The New Recruit
A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
----------------------------------------------------------------
* Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms
1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
----------------------------------------------------------------
* Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms
1. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
2. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
3. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
4. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
5. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
6. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
7. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
8. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
9. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
10. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #8
Next time you go to the movies, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events. These jokes have a strange but true ring to them.
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
3) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
4) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
5) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
7) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
8) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #6
* Never Judge By Appearance: A Salutary Chinese Tale
At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.
A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.
When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'
=============================================================
* 20 Number 6 - Classic Chinese English Joke
It was Chinese New Year. Bill and Jackson had just staggered back home from a hard night's drinking when they noticed that a menu from the new restaurant next door had come through the letter box. On a whim they decided to celebrate the Chinese New Year with a take-away. Jackson, was just off out of the door to fetch their meal when Bill turned to him and said, 'Please get me 20 number 6 while you're at the take-away.
Jackson returned with their chicken Chou Mein, sweet and sour pork and 20 portions of egg fried rice. Bill said, 'Where's me fags'. Jackson said, 'What cigarettes, you asked for 20 number 6 and that's what you've got, enough egg fried rice to feed a Chinese Junk from Shanghai to Hong Kong'.
Bill said, 'When I was last in England Embassy No 6 was a packet of fags.'
At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.
A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.
At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.
When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'
=============================================================
* 20 Number 6 - Classic Chinese English Joke
It was Chinese New Year. Bill and Jackson had just staggered back home from a hard night's drinking when they noticed that a menu from the new restaurant next door had come through the letter box. On a whim they decided to celebrate the Chinese New Year with a take-away. Jackson, was just off out of the door to fetch their meal when Bill turned to him and said, 'Please get me 20 number 6 while you're at the take-away.
Jackson returned with their chicken Chou Mein, sweet and sour pork and 20 portions of egg fried rice. Bill said, 'Where's me fags'. Jackson said, 'What cigarettes, you asked for 20 number 6 and that's what you've got, enough egg fried rice to feed a Chinese Junk from Shanghai to Hong Kong'.
Bill said, 'When I was last in England Embassy No 6 was a packet of fags.'
Saturday, May 21, 2011
21 May 2011
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!' The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures. "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,"and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #5
Foreign Holiday Notices
Here are a collection of notices that made our foreign holiday one long laugh. English is such a difficult language to learn, just the smallest mistake can produce a hilarious joke.
* In the Bedroom:
1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
2) Please to bathe inside the tub.
3) Please leave your values at the front desk.
4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
* In a the bar:
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today — no ice cream.
* In the Hotel Shop
1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
4) Specialist in women and other diseases
5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Here are a collection of notices that made our foreign holiday one long laugh. English is such a difficult language to learn, just the smallest mistake can produce a hilarious joke.
* In the Bedroom:
1) Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
2) Please to bathe inside the tub.
3) Please leave your values at the front desk.
4) You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
5) Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
* In a the bar:
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today — no ice cream.
* In the Hotel Shop
1) For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
2) If this is your first visit to Tokyo, you are welcome to it.
3) Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
4) Specialist in women and other diseases
5) Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
19 May 2011
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny? "Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him. "The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it? "Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat! "
******************
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
******************
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under consideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #3
WISE WORDS
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16 May 2011
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game. "Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough." He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost. "Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat. " He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!"
******************
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood. "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us. "The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere. " He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood? "The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there? "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
******************
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You
******************
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood. "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us. "The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere. " He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood? "The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there? "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
******************
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man. Yes, he will be in today. No, we cannot fix it. No, we do not know how long it will take. No, we do not know what caused it. No, we do not know who broke it. Yes, we are keeping it. No, we do not know what you are going to do now. Thank You
15 May 2011
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it."
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #365
* Drinking Lesson
Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.
'All right, son, 'asked Will, 'what does that show you?'
'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'
* Madness?
'There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.' Salvador Dali
* The Two Parachute Dilemma
There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.
The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.
The second, Larry, was an American Hall of Footballer.
The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.
The conversation went thus, Seamus said, 'There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion. So I'll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one' . With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress.
'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?', Larry asked Bruce.' No worries' , Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack'.
Will was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whisky. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whisky curled up and died.
'All right, son, 'asked Will, 'what does that show you?'
'Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.'
* Madness?
'There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.' Salvador Dali
* The Two Parachute Dilemma
There were three passengers in a light aircraft but only two parachutes.
The first, Seamus, was the Irish Master Mind Champion.
The second, Larry, was an American Hall of Footballer.
The third, Bruce, was an Australian dual Olympic Games Champion.
The conversation went thus, Seamus said, 'There have been many American Hall of fame footballers and several people have won Olympic Gold medals, but there has only ever been one Irish Master Mind Champion. So I'll take the first parachute and you two can fight it out for the last one' . With that Seamus took a parachute and leapt out of the plane, which incidentally, by now was in considerable distress.
'How shall we decide who has the last parachute?', Larry asked Bruce.' No worries' , Bruce said, 'Yonder Irish Master Mind Champion has jumped out with my rucksack'.
12 May 2011
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven!"
******************
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"
******************
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #363
** Look on the Brighter Side of Life **
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
19. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
20. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
19. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
20. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #360
** Tales from the Country **
* Quickest Way?
Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin. 'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'
Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'
Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.
* Calculating Farmer
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'
Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
* Quickest Way?
Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin. 'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'
Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Arnie quickly replied, 'Driving.'
Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.
* Calculating Farmer
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he says, 'I am sorry but I have some bad news - the donkey is on my truck but he be dead.'
Ahmed replies, 'Well then, just give me my money back.'
'Can't do that,' burrs the farmer, 'I went out and spent it already.'
Ahmed sighs, 'OK just unload the donkey anyway.'
Farouk then asks, 'What are you gonna do with a dead donkey an' that?' I'll raffle him off,' laughs Ahmed.
The farmer exclaimed, 'Aargh, you can't raffle off a dead donkey.'
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, 'Sure I can. Watch. Just don't tell anyone the donkey is dead.'
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asks, 'Whatever happened to that dead donkey?'
Ahmed answers, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.'
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, 'Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?'
'The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,' chuckled Ahmed, 'so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.'
Thursday, May 5, 2011
5 May 2011
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, 'All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, 'It's no good, I'll have to do it,' and yells, 'ALLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, 'Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?' The trainer replies, 'Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!'
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
4 May 2011
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies? -
A: Should we walk home or take a dog?
*****************
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell!
*****************
How do you cure constipation?
Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!
*****************
"Winnie The????"
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard.... "My dad got me a dog," she said.
A: Should we walk home or take a dog?
*****************
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell!
*****************
How do you cure constipation?
Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!
*****************
"Winnie The????"
It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got.
"My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard.... "My dad got me a dog," she said.
She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!"
That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book." The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!!"
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
3 May 2011
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
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