There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
*************************
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice. A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK! "The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present! "
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U. S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
17 January 2011
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place? "After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
16 January 2011
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
15 January 2011
Women One Liners
1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.
4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
*****************
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions.
4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
12. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
*****************
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question."
The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two? "
The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
14 January 2011
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
*******************
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy". "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.
"Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first aid."
The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.
"Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
*******************
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy". "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
13 January 2011
A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit." The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place." The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"
***********************
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
***********************
A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, Master.'
The gorilla walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant. 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.
With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him. The gorilla scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer.'
12 January 2011
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #260
** Men Are Just Happier People **
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
11 January 2011
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
**************************
Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
**************************
Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
10 January 2011
Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time."
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."
*************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x " in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?"
Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it."
Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?"
Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do."
Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results."
Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."
*************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x " in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemize d accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded with the following account:
Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
9 January 2011
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an a - - hole.
8 January 2011
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River".
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River".
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #257
** Exercising Tips**
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
6) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
7) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
8) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
9) And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
10) You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
2) The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
6) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
7) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
8) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
9) And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
10) You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
7 January 2011
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #256
** Little old Lady Stories **
An Italian Mamma - Another funny story about little old ladies
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
An Italian Mamma - Another funny story about little old ladies
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #253
** Out of the mouths of children **
* Tasty Meal?
The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."
* Home Alone?
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
* Elizabeth and her Sunday School
Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Bert. "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus," Elizabeth said, "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
* Tasty Meal?
The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."
* Home Alone?
Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."
* Elizabeth and her Sunday School
Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Bert. "I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus," Elizabeth said, "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
3 January 2011
Some professions
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
************************
A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St. Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter. The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
************************
A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St. Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter. The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. "You got anything to stop this coffin?"
2 January 2011
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
*****************
Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.
Really?
Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!
*****************
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom. At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness. "Did you actually see the accident? " he asked. The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?" The witness was unfazed. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."
*****************
Today is my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.
Really?
Yes, I've been married twenty-five times!
*****************
The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom. At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness. "Did you actually see the accident? " he asked. The witness responded with a polite, "Yes, sir."
"How far away were you when the accident happened?"
"I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision."
"Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?" the lawyer asked, sarcastically, "Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?" The witness was unfazed. "Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance."
1 January 2011
A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smith while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smith, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #250
Funny Sports Quotes
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season, "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh, "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
"Shaquille O'Neal [basketball] on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach, "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota, "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Cost why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too dang ugly to kiss good-bye!"
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season, "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh, "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
"Shaquille O'Neal [basketball] on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach, "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota, "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Cost why he takes his wife on all road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too dang ugly to kiss good-bye!"
31 December 2010
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
25 December 2010
Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and a businessman, belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away. At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside the casket. Next was the businessman, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next to his deceased friend. Then the lawyer approached the coffin. wrote out a check for $15,000... laid it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.
**********************
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber " in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
**********************
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber " in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"
The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook."
Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #244
Doctor Jokes
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
23 December 2010
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing 350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a 600.00 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's , consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Human Resources Department
*******************
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing 350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a 600.00 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's , consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. Human Resources Department
*******************
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
*******************
Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
*******************
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!" His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
*******************
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!" His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
*******************
AUDI:
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW:
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK:
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE:
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD:
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM:
General Maintenance
General Maintenance
GMC:
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA:
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI:
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive?
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDS MOBILE:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB:
Send Another Automobile Back
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO:
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
20 December 2010
These two friends are about to go to a club.
One of them has a wooden eye. He said ''If someone says something about my eye, i'm gonna snap.'' They get there, and he asks a girl to dance. She says, ''Would I?''
One of them has a wooden eye. He said ''If someone says something about my eye, i'm gonna snap.'' They get there, and he asks a girl to dance. She says, ''Would I?''
19 December 2010
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name? " asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
******************
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk." The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections." But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."
******************
Does killing time damage eternity?
******************
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced. The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?" Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
******************
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk." The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections." But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three: It comes in such nice containers."
******************
Does killing time damage eternity?
******************
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced. The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?" Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
15 December 2010
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man wit one leg?
A. Limp biskit
*********************
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
*********************
Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. 'There's lots of room now,' he said.
*********************
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
*********************
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
A. Limp biskit
*********************
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
*********************
Three boys were sharing the same bed on holiday, but it was so crowded that one of them decided to sleep on the floor. After a while, one of his friends told him he might as well get in to bed again. 'There's lots of room now,' he said.
*********************
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
*********************
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
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