25 September 2011

Now I understand what marketing is:

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very good in bed ". 

That is Direct Marketing. 

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very good in bed ". 

That is Advertising. 

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her: "I am very good in bed ". 

That is Telemarketing. 

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her: "Do you remember how good I am in bed?" 

That is Customer Relationship Management. 

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her: "I am very good in bed ". 

That is Public Relations. 

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you: "I heard you are very good in bed ". 

That is BRANDING!!"

*******************
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"

24 September 2011

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing. " To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager " and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives."

***********
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms 

ISDN- It Still Does Nothing 

APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity 

SCSI- System Can't See It 

BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control 

IBM- I Blame Microsoft 

CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months 

OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too. 

WWW- World Wide Wait 

MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs 

PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics 

COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language 

WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 

MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

11 September 2011

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbours approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said... "let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

10 September 2011

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!"

****************
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX. 

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? 

Abbott: Yes, that's correct. 

Costello: No, what is it? 

Abbott: Yes. 

Costello: So, which is the one? 

Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program. 

Costello: Stop this. Who are you? 

Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'. 

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? 

Abbott: Use 'what'. 

Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? 

Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0. 

Costello: Which one? 

Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname' 

Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? 

Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code. 

Costello: I want to find the revision code. 

Abbott: You can't 'find revision code', you must use 'what program'. 

Costello: Which command will do what I need? 

Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'. 

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system. 

Costello: Write what? 

Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. 

Costello: Cut that out! 

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. 

Costello: Do you always do this? 

Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage. 

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS). 

Costello: You make me angry. 

Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once. 

Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more. 

Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'. 

Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now! 

Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name. 

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC. 

Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

****************
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. 

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. 

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

****************
If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally...

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

9 September 2011

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: 

What makes 100%? 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? 

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. 

How about achieving 103%? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

*******************
There was this not too bright scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet. 

Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet. 

He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book. 

Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet. 

Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! Frog doesn't move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF!

*******************

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family. Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Mueller is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mueller's mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mueller himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

*******************

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

*******************

Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet?
Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!

*******************

Women's Snappy Comebacks:

Man: Haven't we met before?

Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? 

Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. 

Man: Is this seat empty? 

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. 

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?  

Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? 

Man: Your place or mine? 

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. 

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number? 

Woman: It's in the phone book. 

Man: But I don't know your name. 

Woman: That's in the phone book too. 

Man: So what do you do for a living? 

Woman: I'm a female impersonator. 

Man: What sign were you born under? 

Woman: No Parking. 

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? 

Woman: Unfertilized! 

Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks! 

Man: I know how to please a woman. 

Woman: Then please leave me alone. 

Man: I want to give myself to you.  

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. 

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. 

Man: Your body is like a temple. 

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 

Man: I'd go through anything for you. 

Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. 

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? 

*******************

One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip"

*******************

Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? 

When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

7 September 2011

Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?
Girl: One - the dead one!

6 September 2011

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

****************
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door. The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?" The panda bear answers calmly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door. The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear. He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."

5 September 2011

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.

****************
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 11 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions.
He took the 175-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 25,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

4 September 2011

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m. p.s. in.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's . A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

3 September 2011

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time." The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!"

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #101

* Out of the Mouths of Babes

Here are some amusing remarks made by children in all innocence. The saga that made me laugh the most was the Road Hog.

* Funny comments made by children.

Cream loses its magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mummy?" he asked
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael, "Giving up?"

* Charity Begins at Church

After the church service, seven year old Brian said to the preacher: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the preacher replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says that you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

* The Chase

Nicola, eight years old, told her parents that David Parsons had kissed her after lessons. "How did that happen?" asked her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

* Fig Leaves

Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Hey, Mum, look what I've found!" Bobby called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

* Home Alone

Our new neighbour asked the Hannah, aged 4 and who lived next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

* Road Hog

One day I was driving with my five year old daughter and I honked my car horn by mistake.
Alice turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
Alice replied, "I know that, Daddy."
I replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say 'IDIOT' afterwards"

1 September 2011

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" 

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. 

"That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" 

"Before the store opened."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #99

* Murphy's Law - Always strikes on Friday

If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong.

I have traced 'Murphy's law back to a Captain Edward A. Murphy, an American engineer at Muroc, California (later named Edwards Air Force Base). In 1949 he was working on a project to test the effects of sudden braking. Time after time his machinery failed, exasperated he said of his technician, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." John Paul Stapp picked up on Murphy's phrase and used at a press conference.

As with any good idea, Murphy's Law can be adapted and extended.

1st Amendment
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

2nd Amendment
If you realize that there are three possible ways in which something can go wrong, and cover them all, then a fourth, unprepared for way, will miraculously appear out of thin air.

3rd Amendment
When something breaks, the parts damaged are in direct proportion to their value.

4th Amendment
The failure does not appear until the machinery has passed its final inspection.

5th Amendment
When you drop a part, it always rolls into the darkest corner.

Last Amendment
Any attempt to print out this copy of Murphy's law will crash the computer.

* Examples of Murphy's Law

Your lost needle will be found by your husband when he is walking around barefoot.

The worst pupil in any class will be a school governors' son.
Uniforms only come in two sizes, too large and too small.
Vital documents that were posted with no errors, will develop errors in the mail.

Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.

If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint.

You never have enough nails, screws or glue.

The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.

Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.

To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.