Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #205

** A Mother of a Small Boy says:**

The following article was written anonymously by a mother who lives in Austin, Texas, USA. It is about things that she has learned from being the mother of small boys.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound [3 stone] boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission.

17 December 2011

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion. "Would you like to have a new mink coat? " Ron asks. "No, not really," Sylvia responds. "Well, how about a new Porsche? " asks Ron. "No, thanks," Sylvia replies. "What about a new vacation home in the country? " Ron suggests. "No," says Sylvia. "Well, what would you like for your anniversary? " Ron asks. "I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia. "Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

*****************
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #181

** Nobel Prize **

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?"

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," the farmer replies.

"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled. "How?"

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

* Reginald's new diet

Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly impressed, "You certainly must have followed my instructions."

Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"Why, from hunger?" asked his doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."