Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #205

** A Mother of a Small Boy says:**

The following article was written anonymously by a mother who lives in Austin, Texas, USA. It is about things that she has learned from being the mother of small boys.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound [3 stone] boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens

20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission.

17 December 2011

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion. "Would you like to have a new mink coat? " Ron asks. "No, not really," Sylvia responds. "Well, how about a new Porsche? " asks Ron. "No, thanks," Sylvia replies. "What about a new vacation home in the country? " Ron suggests. "No," says Sylvia. "Well, what would you like for your anniversary? " Ron asks. "I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia. "Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

*****************
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #181

** Nobel Prize **

Bob is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Harris standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Bob, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me Farmer Harris, could you tell me what you are you doing?"

"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize," the farmer replies.

"A Nobel Prize?" enquires Bob, puzzled. "How?"

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

* Reginald's new diet

Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds," his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

"Why, that's amazing," the doctor said, greatly impressed, "You certainly must have followed my instructions."

Reginald nodded, "I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"Why, from hunger?" asked his doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #159

** How being a parent can change your life **

When a baby is born into a family it affects every one in that family. However, as you have baby 2 then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.

Your clothing:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.
2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.
Getting ready for the day of the birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't help at all.
3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.

Major concerns:

1st baby: At the first sign of upset, the slightest cry you pick up the baby for a cuddle.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her cries threaten to wake your neighbours.
3rd baby: You teach your 2 year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor you put it away until you can go home and disinfect it properly.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Buying a layette*:

1st baby: You wash the clothes before organising them into colour coordinated folded piles neatly laid out in the baby抯 specially bought chest of drawers.
2nd baby: You make sure that the clothes are clean and throw only the ones with the dirtiest marks on them.
3rd baby: You are heard to say that boys can wear pink, no problem.

Note* Layette means all the clothes you need for a baby. Vests, cardigan, babygro all-in-ones and even bonnets.

Nappies: [Diapers in the USA]
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every 2 to 3 hours, if required.
3rd baby: You change their nappy when others start to complain about the smell or you see it hanging down low.

What activities do you do with your youngster?

1st baby: You take your child to the Clinic, the Gym, the swimming pool and the Library for story time.
2nd baby: You take your youngster to the Clinic.
3rd baby: You take your child to Asda/Walmart.

Baby sitters:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter you call home 4 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

How you react when at home with the baby:

1st baby: You spend a great deal of time every day just gazing lovingly at your baby.
2nd baby: You spend some of everyday keeping an eye open to ensure that your eldest child isn't squeezing, poking or hurting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend some of every day hiding from the children.

28 October 2011

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. 

They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. 

One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 

'Through the desert 

all night we ride on camels 

walking two by two, 

Destination Timbuktu.' 

Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. 

One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said, 

'Tim and I, a hunting went, 

we came upon three women in a tent. 

Since they were three and we were two, 

I buk one and Timbuktu!'

27 October 2011

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die. "That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out. When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place. "When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off. A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up " arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad. The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma. "

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #131

** Celtic Blessings **

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine down upon your face.
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
Until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand

* Irish Drinking Toast

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

* Alternative Toast:

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!

* Irish Explanation

Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, "How can you come here," she said,
taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always thought I was out enjoying meself."